Black dogs, spinach and clouds

Posted on 22 August 2010 by blackandblueman

It was back in 2003 when I first heard the term “black dog”, Sir Winston Churchill’s famous description for his depression. That term immediately conjured up a powerful image of a mean and snarling black dog that was harassing a cornered sufferer – and from then on, whenever I thought of depression “black dog” would follow.

Four years later, I would learn that I suffer from depression myself. As a result, “black dog” became vivid and personal. If I was feeling down and someone asked me how I was, I would tell them something like “the black dog is biting” (if it felt particularly savage) or “gnawing” (if it was troubling).

Late last year, when a friend directed me to Graeme Cowan’s Back From The Brink, I discovered another intriguing description for depression, courtesy of Australian poet Les Murray – “black spinach”. Those words suggested a dense and ugly black mass that crowded a mind and filled it with despair.

Not long after adding “black spinach” to my lexicon, I came up with my own term for depression.

Late in 2009, I spent a week working on a demanding and difficult project at work. Fortunately, it would have a happy ending that included high praise from a manager – but until then, there were long days spent in a crowded and small windowless room as five or more of us raced against time to meet our deadline.

That environment led to a pressure building within my head that became so powerful it felt like a physical object. One morning during that week, I was walking to work through Hyde Park when my head felt heavy and I struggled for a moment to keep my chin up. That was very frustrating and grim, indeed.

When I eventually lifted up my head, a vivid image suddenly came to mind – a small black sinister cloud within my skull, completely blotting my brain from sight.

Fortunately, picturing that black cloud encouraged me to focus on my breathing, keep walking and stay calm. Soon, I no longer felt the black cloud was there, and I was better.

From time to time, the black dogs and spinach and clouds return. Fortunately, as time passes I learn how to better deal with them when they do – I stay calm, take time out if possible and always remember one of my most important credos.

Until next time, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Depression, Life Strategies, My Story | Leave a comment

‘Giant Double Rainbow’ – what it did mean to me

Posted on 20 August 2010 by blackandblueman

Two nights ago, I saw the ‘Giant Double Rainbow’ video that has become one of the latest viral sensations to sweep the ‘Net (if you haven’t yet experienced it, here’s a good start).

I found it very interesting for two reasons.

Firstly, ‘Giant Double Rainbow’ is unintentionally hilarious. It’s like an earnest if over-acted scene from a bad film, or someone on a drug-high (or doing a bad impersonation of one). I can certainly appreciate why it has inspired mash-ups, parodies and remixes.

Secondly, I was genuinely moved and touched by ‘Giant Double Rainbow’. Seriously.

Not only is the double rainbow itself a remarkable sight, but I also found the whole environment very serene and tranquil. The rugged beauty of the hillside, the soothing darkness of the sky with rain just passed or on the way, the peaceful isolation, the wind-chimes and the dog barking in the background – that morning, I would have liked to have exchanged places with Paul Vasquez.

And if I had been there instead of Vasquez, would I have reacted as enthusiastically as he did? No – I would have most likely just sat there quietly, and maybe even smiled. As well, being the atheist that I am, I wouldn’t have wondered what did it mean.

Yet, I can understand Vasquez’s awe and sense of wonder. He was in the right place at the right time to witness one of those amazing random incidents and simple pleasures that help to make life worth living. I’m glad he was compelled to capture and share that moment.

Until next time, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Happiness, Life is Good | Leave a comment

Electric Samurai

Posted on 16 August 2010 by blackandblueman

Friday night, 6 August 2010, shortly after 9pm.

I had just left Pizza Hut to head up to Event Cinemas, about a hundred metres away on the other side of busy George Street, where I would see the 9:30pm session of the film Centurion (which would have a disappointing ending, but otherwise it was a very enjoyable Romans-versus-Picts chase-thriller).

I stood at the lights outside the Metro Theatre, and as I waited for them to change I heard powerful electric-guitar music coming from across George Street, almost directly opposite me.

There was a young man standing there, busking.

He was Asian, and wearing a purple-and-white samurai-style kimono.

And he was playing his electric guitar fast and furiously like a member of a ‘80s heavy-metal band, raising it high in the air as he blasted power-riffs at a small gathering crowd.

I was very amused and very impressed.

So much so that I quickly took out my wallet and tried to scoop out all of the silver coins inside before the lights changed (I got most of them out).

And I crossed George Street, headed straight to the electric samurai, threw all of the silver in my hand at his feet, and with my other hand gave him the Sign of the Horns.

To which he responded with a loud “ALL RIGHT!”

And he raised his guitar once more and fired off another power-riff.

It was one of life’s great little moments, and it is featured here at a depression blog for several reasons.

First, seeing the Electric Samurai cheered me up. I wasn’t feeling down or miserable or sad at the time, especially as I was going to a film that I’d been eagerly awaiting for some months – but that young man’s unique and exciting act was an added bonus to that evening’s good mood.

Second, I was compelled to act – both to pay him for his delightful performance, and join in on the fun by showing him the Horns. Before mid-2007, it would have been very unlikely that I would have done either of those actions – especially showing the Horns – but now I feel a lot more comfortable about doing things like that.

Finally, the Electric Samurai was demonstrating something else along with his creativity and showmanship that I greatly admired and respected – confidence. He was brave enough to stand in a busy public place and do something that was very out of the ordinary, and he was not only reaping the rewards but making others happy.

Confidence is an important subject that I will talk about in the near future, and perhaps several times, as it’s something that I misunderstood for most of my life but am finally learning what it actually means.

Until then, stay well and take care – and may the Electric Samurai keep on rocking 🙂

UPDATE 18/9/2010
The Electric Samurai rocks again!

Posted in Confidence, Gratitude, Life is Good | 2 Comments

The unfinished book that changed my life

Posted on 12 August 2010 by blackandblueman

Throughout my life, I have read and enjoyed many books. Some of them have made a big impact upon me.

But in recent years, the book that perhaps has had the biggest impact on my life was one that I didn’t finish reading.

In mid-late 2008 during one of my visits to the psychiatrist, I asked if there were any books that he recommended reading. He suggested a book and author whom I had never heard of before – The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

Shortly after that session, I bought myself a copy. That night at home, after a visit to Wikipedia, I learned more about Tolle and the astounding success of his work.

During the following week, I tried reading The Power Of Now. At first, I found it very intriguing – especially when Tolle described how after he had made his discovery, he pretty much spent the following two years sitting on a park bench and just simply ‘enjoying the moment’.

Unfortunately, I soon found Tolle’s content and style rather dry and dull, and a week later I had decided not to continue reading The Power Of Now.

What I had read, though, stayed with me.

As I described in my previous post, two of my biggest problems in life has been dwelling too much on the past and dreading too much about the future. What The Power Of Now stressed, though, was focusing on the present, because ‘now’ is the most important moment of your life.

So, I began to adopt that approach, and one of the first places I did so was in my psychiatrist’s office. During sessions, if I had run out of things to talk about, I would just sit quietly, stop worrying about not having anything to talk about, think about nothing, and live in the moment.

It was very relaxing, and inspiring.

Soon, I was applying the Power of Now in the outside world – especially if I found myself in a situation where I had to wait because of a delay. For example, instead of getting angry and frustrated if a train was late, I would mentally tell myself to relax because there was nothing I could do to change the situation, and therefore I should just enjoy not having to do or worry about anything ‘now’.

It worked, and to this day it continues to work.

I was especially struck by the Power of Now in early 2009, when I spent two months visiting Canberra each week for work. Some weeks, the only hotels that were available were across the city and I had to rely on taxis for travel. Although getting to work was no problem, as hotels could call taxis immediately, getting home could be another issue – and on some afternoons, I found myself waiting up for an hour for the next available taxi (calling a cab was possible, but somewhat hit-and-miss).

At first, I would read a book while waiting, but this was distracting as I also had to keep an eye out for any approaching taxis. So, I stopped reading and would just sit or stand…and wait.

And again, living in the moment worked. I reasoned with myself that, okay, it may be forever before a taxi arrives – but until then, I can’t do anything about it, so just be calm and enjoy not having to do anything ‘now’. And I did, and so waiting for a taxi at the end of a working day in Canberra became a pleasant-enough experience (not something I would do for fun, of course – but if it has to be done, it no longer has to be a chore and a drag).

Ever since I never finished reading The Power Of Now, I have often thought about giving it another try to see if there is anything else I have missed. If I don’t, though, what I have gotten from that book has benefited me immensely.

Last night, though, I did finish a book that was very thought-provoking if highly critical of a major school of thought in self-help. Although hard to put down because it was highly compelling, it also troubled me a little – until I got to the postscript.

But that book and how it made me think will be the subject of another thread. Until then, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Life Strategies, Resources | 2 Comments

“One day at a time at one hour at a time”

Posted on 5 August 2010 by blackandblueman

The above quotation is one of several that I use to help me live with depression.

Previously, two of my biggest problems were dwelling too much on the past and worrying too much about the future. As a result, the present often suffered and initially problems seemed overwhelming.

Since undergoing therapy, however, I have learned to embrace the present, narrow my focus, and improve my life.

The past is important, because it has helped to shape what I have become, but I can’t go back and change any of it – it’s done and gone forever.

The future is also important, because that’s where I’m heading, but worrying what may or may not happen is counter-productive – especially as it had convinced me many times not to take action and therefore stay in a current comfort zone or rut because it was ‘safer’ to do so.

The most important part of my life, however, is the present – and that is where I have learned (and continue to learn) to focus most of my effort and energy.

Firstly, I have found it is best to focus on one day at a time. Of course, it never hurts to have some ideas for the days ahead, and recall lessons and mistakes learned from days past – but each day when I wake up, the most important day to devote almost all my energies to should be that day. Not tomorrow, which may indeed never come, or yesterday, which is gone forever – but today.

Secondly, a day can still be a long time, so with any large task it helps to break it down into smaller and more manageable units. For me, an hour makes a good unit – it’s a reasonable amount of time in which to focus on something (and preferably just one thing) and get it done (or as much as possible of it done). This has helped me tremendously at work with completing large assignments, working on several projects at once, and getting through intense or long days.

Adopting this strategy has improved my life considerably. Each day is more enjoyable because it becomes the most important day of my life, and living that day hour-by-hour makes it more manageable, varied and (most of all) rewarding.

As I mentioned above, I developed this strategy thanks to therapy. Part of it was from talking with my psychiatrist, and part of it was from reading a particular book that he recommended me.

That book will be the subject of my next thread. Until then, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Life Strategies, My Story | Leave a comment

The Black and Blue Man comes around

Posted on 2 August 2010 by blackandblueman

Back in mid-2007, after a month of therapy, a psychiatrist confirmed what others and I had suspected for many years – I suffer from depression, and probably have been all of my life.

As a result, the therapy continued and I was prescribed anti-depressants (which at first I was very reluctant about taking).

Fortunately, the therapy and the medication have been two of the best things I have ever done.

Since mid-2007, my life has gotten much better and continues to improve. There are still times when the black dog bites hard and there are several related problems still to resolve – but I am getting there, one day at a time at one hour at a time.

This blog is an ongoing journal of my experiences.

Posted in Depression, My Story | Leave a comment