Black and Blue Walking Man: Manly to Sydney CBD (Part 3)

Posted on 14 January 2014 by blackandblueman
Sydney Harbour (Wikipedia)

Sydney Harbour (Wikipedia)

Part 1
Part 2

I left Spit Junction, and about 10 minutes later into south-west Mosman I came upon two wonderful sights.

The first sight, off in the distance, was the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

The second sight, only a few more minutes ahead, was a service station.

A few minutes later I walked out of the service station with two 1.5-litre bottles of water in my backpack, and continued downhill to the south-west.

*

Shortly after, I made one of my favourite discoveries during my walk – the spectacular suspension foot-bridge over Reid Park.

I crossed over the bridge, went down into Reid Park and headed south to the Cremorne Point peninsula.

The peninsula would also become one of the favourite parts of my walk. Not only was it very picturesque with its blend of waterfront bushland and impressive homes, but there’s also a great walking path around the entire length of the peninsula.

*

About halfway down the eastern side of the peninsula, I took another break and indulged in more water and muesli bars.

Soon after that, I found myself at the lookout at the end of the peninsula and a truly staggering panorama of Sydney Harbour.

Shortly after that, I sat at a picnic table near the lookout and wrote to a friend I hadn’t seen for some weeks who’d emailed me not long after I’d left Spit Junction.

As I resumed my walk along the western side of the Cremorne Point peninsula, my friend and I exchanged messages via smartphone and eventually we agreed to meet for dinner at Darling Harbour, about half an hour’s walk beyond the Sydney Harbour Bridge, at 5pm.

It was now almost 2:30pm.

Could I make it all the way there in time on foot?

I would try.

*

In the end, to make sure that I would make it to dinner on time, I decided to cancel a couple more scenic walks around a couple more peninsulas.

Instead, I focused on heading as directly as I could towards the Harbour Bridge.

I came north around Neutral Bay and bore south-west through Kirribilli to the north end of the Harbour Bridge in Milsons Point, which also became a trip down memory lane.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, for most of the 2000s I worked in North Sydney and I often walked home from there across the Bridge.

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d walked across the Bridge – 2009? – so when I arrived at the steps leading up to the pedestrian walkway, a lot of pleasant memories returned.

It was also an ideal place to take my last break before the final stretch into the CBD.

*

The steps up to the Bridge were the last uphill steps I would have to face on this walk.

Fortunately, they were familiar steps and nowhere near as narrow and intimidating like the previous steps I’d encountered, so up I bounded.

The walk across the Bridge, and especially on such a great day as this, was just as enjoyable as I remembered.

Soon I was at the south end of the Bridge and bounding down the steps there into The Rocks, one of my favourite parts of Sydney.

Soon after that, I entered the northern edge of the CBD.

Just before 3:30pm I crossed to the corner of York and Margaret Streets near Wynyard station, where I officially declared my walk to be over.

I had made it all the way from Manly on foot.

It was a very satisfying feeling, indeed.

*

There was still an hour and a half until dinner time.

What to do until then?

A few minutes later I took a seat in a pleasant cool pub and had the first of two leisurely pints of ice-cold diet cola.

Each of them would taste wonderful.

*

Another of my 2014 resolutions had gotten off to a good start.

The next day I felt a little sore all over, but I declared that day to be that week’s Sabbath and I did very little except rest and enjoy it.

And in the days that followed, I found myself more and more looking forward to the next weekend and the chance of another walk.

I consulted Walking Coastal Sydney again and did some thinking.

What walk would come next?

But that’s a story for another series.

Until next time, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Action, Happiness, Hope, Inspiration, Life Challenges, Life is Good, Life Strategies, Travel | 2 Comments

Black and Blue Walking Man: Manly to Sydney CBD (Part 2)

Posted on 8 January 2014 by blackandblueman
Spit Bridge from the north-west, Middle Harbour, Sydney (Wikipedia)

Spit Bridge from the north-west, Middle Harbour, Sydney (Wikipedia)

Part 1

I headed west along the Manly Scenic Walk into the suburb of Fairlight, where I stopped and first used a resource that would become invaluable throughout the rest of my walk.

A few nights before when preparing online for my walk, I discovered the incredibly useful website Walking Coastal Sydney and its equally helpful iPhone app Sydney Walker.

I consulted Sydney Walker, turned south and went that-away down the North Harbour Walk.

Originally, I had planned to take the long scenic route around to the Grotto Point Reserve and from there head to the Spit Bridge. When I saw (or thought I saw), however, that the low-tide pathway was under water I switched to the much shorter inland route through the suburb of Balgowlah.

It was in Balgowlah that I encountered the first serious uphill part of my walk – and in particular, a high and narrow flight of steps. I mostly prefer to lightly jog up steps or stairs, and although I briefly thought about taking these ones slowly I decided to jog up these ones (albeit slower than usual).

I made it, although when I got to the top my right leg wobbled and almost went out from under me.

Fortunately, the next fifty metres or so of pathway was downhill…

…but a moment later I saw at path’s end that there was a taller flight of steps going uphill.

I groaned and decided this would be a good time and place for my first break.

I would rest, drink some water, maybe eat some of my muesli bars and in 15 minutes’ time get up those damn second steps.

It was shortly before 10:30am.

*

During this first break, something happened that I may or may not devote a separate post to.

This incident had its funny side, but it could have also become very serious and not funny at all.

When it was all over I was glad to get out of there, and it perhaps gave me extra wings in getting up those second steps.

*

During the second leg of my walk, I went overhill through Balgowlah and downhill into Seaforth to find myself overlooking the Spit Bridge.

Fortunately, it was further downhill to the Spit Bridge via the Gallipoli Steps, and at first the ‘Steep’ reference next to the Steps on my Sydney Walker map didn’t bother me…

…until I spent a few nerve-wracking and vertigo-inducing minutes going down perhaps the steepest flights I have yet encountered in my life.

Bloody steps – uphill or downhill.

Fortunately, the walk across the Spit Bridge was a good way to unwind, and the d’Albora Marina looked a good place to stop for my second rest.

Shortly after 11am at the marina I bought a can of Diet Coke, sat down at an outside seat and relaxed for another 15 minutes.

*

So far, despite the first-break incident and the multiple steps of terror, my walk was going very well.

I was constantly drenched in sweat and my body was starting to feel the strain, but I was enjoying myself.

It was a glorious day; I was being active; I was seeing parts of Sydney that I had never seen before; and there were many interesting sights to enjoy.

My walk was turning out to be everything I hoped it would be, and more.

*

I finished my Diet Coke, got up, put my hat and backpack back on, and once again set off.

For the third and also most likely the fourth leg of my walk, I had planned to head along the eastern water’s edge of the suburb of Mosman to Bradleys Head, next door to Taronga Zoo.

The turnoff to the start of the waterside path was about halfway along Parriwi Road, which from the start went uphill…

…and continued going uphill…

…and after I decided not to make the turnoff (which was also ominously labelled ‘Steep’ on the map), Parriwi Road still kept on going uphill…

…and even after the road finally ended about 30 minutes later, I still found myself going uphill towards Spit Junction.

Up ahead a 7-11 and the enticing fantasy of a Slurpee beckoned, but as I drew closer I saw that not that much further beyond was downtown (or should I say uptown) Spit Junction itself, where perhaps a nice air-conditioned pub could be found.

I pressed on for another 5-10 minutes until I came to Military Road in the heart of Spit Junction, and a wonderful sight across the road – the world going downhill again.

As well across the road, a very pleasant-looking tree-shaded square looked very inviting.

It was indeed time for another break.

*

I crossed over to the square, sat down in some shade, finally had a couple of muesli bars and guzzled the last of my water.

I had thought about conserving some of my water until the next break, but I was thirsty and there would no doubt be a shop or service station ahead so I gladly drank it all.

I relaxed again, enjoyed the moment and was grateful again that I’d set out on this walk.

I was also confident that I could still make it all the way to the Sydney CBD.

At 12:12pm, I got back up and set off again.

TO BE CONTINUED

Posted in Action, Happiness, Hope, Inspiration, Life Challenges, Life is Good, Life Strategies, Travel | Leave a comment

Black and Blue Walking Man: Manly to Sydney CBD (Part 1)

Posted on 5 January 2014 by blackandblueman
Manly Wharf (Wikipedia)

Manly Wharf (Wikipedia)

Saturday, 4 January 2014.

I got up at 7:30am, excited.

Finally, the big day was here.

I was out my door at 8am, and a short train-ride later I was at Circular Quay by 8:30am.

Just before 9am I got on a ferry, and at 9:30am I got off at Manly.

15 minutes later at 9:45am, after going to the toilet and putting on some sun-screen, my journey began from Manly Wharf.

The Sydney CBD was about 17 kilometres (11 miles) away, beyond Sydney’s lower North Shore and the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

Could I walk all of the way back there?

*

Yes, this stems from another new year’s resolution for 2014: see more of Sydney on foot, by taking long walks most weekends.

Fortunately, I’ve always enjoyed walking and I especially like walking through Sydney. As I’ve mentioned in past entries, several years ago when I worked in North Sydney I often used to walk the 5-kilometre journey home, the best part of which was crossing the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

In particular, I’ve also enjoyed a few walks through Sydney’s picturesque lower North Shore in suburbs like Neutral Bay and Cremorne.

It was after the last of those walks a few years ago that I began wondering about doing longer walks.

In fact, one of the reasons that inspired me to get my iPad back in early 2012 was to make myself more mobile for long walks – I could take that instead of lugging along my laptop PC for when I wanted to read, write and surf during stops along the way.

But as with several other plans I considered during 2012 and 2013, I never got around to doing any long walks.

Recently, though, as 2013 drew to a close and I became fed up with being fed up, I decided to make another resolution along with taking more action against my hoarding.

Saturday, 4 January 2014 would be the starting date for my long walks.

And I would begin with a big one.

Or at least see how far I could make it.

*

As the big day approached, I was both excited and cautious.

I was excited about the prospect of enjoying the walk itself and achieving a major goal.

Yet, I was also cautious for several reasons – I’m not in the best of shape; it would be a very long walk; Sydney is in the middle of a summer heatwave; and Sydney is also full of hills.

So I hoped for the best but prepared for the worst – cutting my journey short and getting home by public transport.

But even so, if I didn’t walk all the way back at least I’d made a start.

*

As the days passed, I planned and counter-planned but left some room for leeway.

And on 4 January itself, my plans began changing even before the walk began.

I had decided to leave home as soon as possible without breakfasting. This was partly to save time, but also because I’m not much of a breakfast person.

Setting off on a 17-kilometre walk without breakfast could be a problem, though, so the night before I’d bought a box of muesli bars along with the 1.5-litre of water I’d be taking in my backpack. I could start eating bars as I began my walk, or even on the ferry to Manly – and of course, if I ever got very hungry during my walk, there’d be no shortage of places to eat on the lower North Shore.

But then I unexpectedly arrived at Circular Quay with half an hour to kill before the next ferry arrived, so I changed my mind.

I bought a couple of sandwiches and a Diet Coke, and before and after I got on the ferry I had breakfast. It wasn’t particularly enjoyable – partly because I like relaxed meals later in the day, and partly because the so-so sandwiches had cost $8.50 each – but I was eating mainly for practical reasons anyway.

What did make up for it was the view outside. Traveling on a Manly ferry on a brilliant summer’s morning is a great way to start a day.

*

9:45am, just outside Manly Wharf.

I blew my nose, threw the tissue in a public bin, and looked west past the foreshore buildings of Manly and the first kilometres of peninsulas that lay beyond.

I adjusted my hat and backpack, smiled and began walking.

TO BE CONTINUED

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Black and Blue Hoarder In Recovery (Part 1)

Posted on 1 January 2014 by blackandblueman

Clutter large

Wednesday, 1 January 2014.

I’d gotten up just before 9:00am, and for the past hour and an half I’d enjoyed some relaxing surfing (online, not on the water).

Now it was 10:31am, and I started debating about whether or not to begin one of my new year’s resolutions.

At 10:33am, I made up my mind.

If I didn’t start now, I never would – and later, I would have yet another reason to hate myself.

So I got up and began doing something about one of my long-time problems: hoarding.

*

As regular readers of Black and Blue Man may recall, I’ve written previously about decluttering my hoarding life and making some initial progress.

But since then (way back in…yikes, July 2012), very little progress has been made.

As the somewhat blah year of 2013 drew to a close, however, I thought about ways to ensure that 2014 would not become yet another fucking blah year, and one way was to really declutter my life.

Recently I spent two weeks visiting family interstate, and during that fortnight I had a lot of time to think about the upcoming year and some resolutions I could make.

After some thought, I decided that:
(a) I would start my decluttering resolution on New Year’s Day
(b) I would declutter at least every second day at one hour (or a few hours) at a time
(c) I would start from one corner of my kitchen

Although the anal-retentive part of me dreaded what lay in store, another part of me that enjoys defecation looked forward to it. Purging meant liberation, both physically and psychologically.

*

So at 10:33am I went to that corner of the kitchen to begin my 2014 decluttering adventure.

Occupying that corner was a small wire-shelving unit overflowing with stuff, and other stuff stacked around it.

First, I cleared the shelves, decided what I still needed and didn’t, kept little of it, decided to bin much of it and put the rest aside to clean it and donate it to charity.

Second, I wiped down the shelves and its stand with disinfectant wipes to remove years of dust.

Third, I cleaned the corner of its years of dust.

Fourth, before breaking for a shower and lunch, I returned the shelving unit to the corner and found that the stuff from it I’d kept now only filled one of its four shelves.

Fifth, after lunch, I wiped down the other stuff that had been stacked around the shelving unit, found that I could now put most of it in the three empty shelves, and reordered what was left over in a better way around the shelving unit.

Sixth, I wiped and washed the items I’d earmarked for charity, which was mostly cutlery – and which included one item that may or may not get it own post in the future.

Finally, I hauled the six shopping bags of items I’d decided to bin down to my apartment building’s garbage room.

All up, I spent almost three hours beginning my 2014 decluttering adventure.

And I was glad I did.

It was a small step, but also a big one.

Not only does that corner of my kitchen now look a lot better, but in my mind it positively gleams.

And as the year progresses and I hope that I stick to my resolution, I want that gleam to spread throughout the rest of my home.

Until next time, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Action, Confidence, Gratitude, Happiness, Hope, Inspiration, Life Challenges, Life Strategies | Leave a comment

Patting a dog

Posted on 1 December 2013 by blackandblueman

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Rumble2months.jpg

Thursday, 28 November 2013, approaching 11pm.

I’d just stepped through the front door to my apartment building when I saw a young woman coming down the stairs from the first floor.

I then noticed that she also had a young dog on a lead, and the dog’s breed looked like a favourite of mine.

I stayed at the front door, and as the woman approached I said that I’d close the door behind her.

She thanked me, and as her dog drew closer I had to ask, “Staffy?”

She said yes, and I asked if I could please pat her dog.

She said yes again, and so I knelt down and did.

Like all Staffies I’ve encountered, this one was very friendly and she also had lovely soft fur.

Her owner soon introduced her as Olive.

A moment later, Olive was leaping up and licking my chin. Her owner told her to stop; I reassured her that it didn’t bother me, but she then told me that it was a bad habit that she wanted Olive to unlearn so I decided to assist by getting up.

We introduced ourselves, I wished her and Olive a good walk, and closed the front door behind them.

For several reasons, it had been nice to pat a dog again.

First, I rarely get the opportunity to pat them, as I know few people with dogs.

Second, I especially like Staffies. Since the late 1990s my eldest sister has been a constant Staffy owner, and it was through knowing her dogs that I came to develop a fondness for the breed.

Third, with how grueling my week had been – and it wasn’t over yet – patting a very friendly dog would become a simple yet very powerful pleasure to recall.

I began the week with two work deadlines and what at first I thought was a cold. By Monday night, however, I was actually sick with the flu.

I spent the next two days alternating between rest and work. Fortunately, I got over the physical worst of the flu during those two days and still got my work done…but unfortunately, I began a very bad period of insomnia that I’m still enduring.

The night after I met Olive and her owner, I attended a social occasion that I had been looking forward to as a good way to end a difficult week. And for most of its time it was – until it ended on an unexpected and unpleasant note. My Friday night wasn’t completely ruined, but it was soured.

So it’s very pleasant indeed to remember meeting Olive and her owner, and the happiness and joy of patting a nice dog.

Posted in Anger, Gratitude, Happiness, Inspiration, Pain, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Building Again (Part 1)

Posted on 11 October 2013 by blackandblueman

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:LEGO_logo.svg

As I mentioned in my previous post, and in a few others during the past 12 months, “the last year or so of my life has been strained at times”.

Things haven’t been horrible overall – but lurking in the background have been several sources of tension.

Work has been one source, for a few reasons.

Another source has been an ongoing financial situation that wasn’t a major crisis, but a drag nonetheless.

There has also been what I’ve thought could be my mid-life crisis. One of my life-long problems has been dwelling on my past and regrets, but recently it was especially intense and troubling.

As well, there have been other tensions like the relatively trivial (like most of the movies I’ve seen at the cinema this year being mediocre disappointments), the saddening (like one of my favourite long-time restaurants closing, as mentioned in my previous post), and the worrying (like the mercifully brief period where I found it difficult to read books).

Finally, there was something else that I had been aware of for some time but about a couple of months ago really struck me.

My social life and contact with other people had pretty much vanished.

I have been a loner for most of my life, but especially after mid-2007 I have become more social. As well, mid-2007 to mid-late 2012 was a socially rich part of my life.

But since mid-late 2012 several things have changed.

Most sadly of all, my pub-trivia friend whom I have known since 2001 has had a couple of small strokes since mid-2012 and is still recovering.

Also in mid-2012, my psychiatrist retired. A few times since, I have missed being able to talk with him.

As well, due to life changes, there are some friends I no longer see as much anymore.

Finally, since late 2010 I have worked from home. This has its advantages, of course, but during the past year it began to feel more isolating, especially as work got more on my nerves.

Most Tuesday nights I still go to the movies with friends, and I also still go to pub-trivia most Wednesday nights. They’re still good fun, but together they add up to only 5-6 hours of social activity each week.

So somehow I needed to find more social outlets.

But how?

One answer came through rediscovering a hobby from last year.

*

Long-time readers of Black and Blue Man may recall this June 2012 post where I talked about getting back into one of my favourite childhood toys – Lego.

For a few months after that post, I kept on building and buying and enjoying more Lego.

So much so that (as long-time readers may also recall) in October 2012 when I went to the next Sydney Model Railway Exhibition, I gave serious thought to joining a group of adult Lego builders who had a display there. I even took one of their flyers with their contact details.

And then…I never got around to it.

By January 2013, I had also stopped Lego-building. There was no particular reason why – I just drifted away from it.

Every now and then, I thought about getting back into Lego-building and contacting that group, but I never did.

And then two months ago I became fed up with the tensions in my life and its serious lack of social activity.

So at long last I emailed the Lego group and expressed my interest in joining them.

And in the days that followed as I waited for their reply, something else happened.

I got back into Lego-building.

I don’t build every night, but a welcome Friday-night routine that has developed during the past few weeks is staying up well into Saturday morning and building.

As well, a couple of times I’ve even taken Lego with me to one of my favourite restaurants, and after eating I’ll spend an hour or two building at my table.

Yes, it’s been great fun getting back into Lego.

Why did I ever stop? 🙂

*

A few days after emailing the Lego group, they replied and invited me to come meet them in person at one of the upcoming events they would be displaying at.

As it turned out, the next event I could go meet them at was the 2013 Sydney Model Railway Exhibition a few weeks away.

I let them know I could come meet them then, and as the weeks passed I continued building.

And finally, the big day arrived.

TO BE CONTINUED

Posted in Action, Happiness, Inspiration, Life Strategies, My Story | Leave a comment

Genghis Khan, thank you and all the best

Posted on 29 September 2013 by blackandblueman

http://www.genghiskhanrestaurant.com.au/

Long-time readers of Black and Blue Man may recall this post from August 2011 in which I described seeing a terrible accident on the way to dinner at a favourite restauarant, and the very kind gesture at that restaurant that helped me calm down and relax.

That restaurant was Genghis Khan Mongolian BBQ, and I’m sitting here now typing these words.

Alas, this will also the last time I ever write at Genghis Khan, because after 30 years of business they are closing down tonight.

I will miss Genghis Khan greatly for several reasons. As I described in my August 2011 post, it became a regular destination because of its great food, great value and great staff.

As well, several of my friendships during the past decade began at Genghis Khan. I met online friends from Sydney, interstate and even overseas in person for the first time over dinner at Genghis Khan.

Also, a few years ago NaNoWriMo founder himself Chris Baty came to Sydney and about 20 of us joined him for a fun evening at Genghis Khan.

Finally, the last year or so of my life has been strained at times, and dinner most Friday and Sunday nights at Genghis Khan became something to look forward to each week.

Thus, when I was informed one Sunday night in early July that Genghis Khan would be closing, I was saddened indeed.

Initially, Genghis Khan was going to close during the first weekend of August, but then it became the end of September.

And now the end of September and an era of my life is here.

Nothing lasts forever, but there are some things you wish could continue for a while longer.

To the staff of Genghis Khan, thank you very much for 15 years of happy memories, and all the best for the future.

Posted in Gratitude, My Story | Leave a comment

Before Black and Blue Man: The Six Visits (Part 3)

Posted on 28 September 2013 by blackandblueman

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:The_rocks_nsw.JPG

Part 1
Part 2

Five more weeks of appointments went by.

Wherever possible, I booked each week’s appointment for Friday afternoons as a good way to end the working week.

At the time I often walked home across the Sydney Harbour Bridge, and on Fridays I also had dinner at a favourite restaurant on the way home, so combining the three activities became an especially good way to end those five weeks.

And as each week passed, I felt better.

I talked to the psychologist about problems I was still having, but increasingly it was about progress I was making. A few times he also gave me worksheets to complete, and they were also a big help.

Most of all, though, I took away the sound of his calming and reassuring voice, and what he told me to do whenever I encountered a new problem: acknowledge it and then move on by asking myself what should I do to resolve it.

To this day whenever I do that, I don’t picture myself sitting there and saying it to myself. Instead, the image that always comes to my mind is the psychologist saying those words.

*

Eventually, like all good things, my six visits to the psychologist came to an end.

On one hand it was a shame because I had enjoyed them and found them incredibly helpful, especially after that rotten experience down in Canberra.

On the other hand, though, I had to continue making progress by myself.

And I did.

As I have written at Black and Blue Man several times before, my life changed dramatically from mid-2007 onwards after I began seeing my psychiatrist and taking medication. Part of that journey began a year before, though, with the six visits to the psychologist, when I discovered just how helpful therapy could be.

*

Not long after I completed my six visits, I finished that work from Canberra. I wrote some documents, submitted them for review to the first SME, and eventually he reviewed them. And that was that.

Years passed. At work I relocated to two other locations before returning to North Sydney, where I found that the building where the psychologist’s office had been had been converted to apartments and his office was now a convenience store.

In late 2010 I was working at yet another location when my desk was reassigned and it was agreed that I could work from home. One night I was cleaning out my desk to prepare for the move home, and amongst the years of old files I had acquired I was both surprised and delighted to find that I still had those worksheets I had completed for the psychologist. A lot of those old files I threw out, but I decided to keep those worksheets. I still have them.

Until next time, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Action, Gratitude, Happiness, Hope, Inspiration, Life Challenges, Life is Good, Life Strategies, My Story, Resources, Therapy | Leave a comment

Before Black and Blue Man: The Six Visits (Part 2)

Posted on 15 September 2013 by blackandblueman

http://www.sunshinecoastdaily.com.au/news/emerald-city-is-still-a-gem-sydney-travel/1960497/

Part 1

The day arrived for my first appointment with the psychologist.

I left my office at mid-afternoon and walked from North Sydney down to nearby Milsons Point, with the Sydney Harbour Bridge and Luna Park nearby.

I arrived at the psychologist’s office and was soon shown in to meet him. He was a kindly-looking middle-aged man with a low and very pleasant voice that I would come to find very calming, reassuring and most of all encouraging.

We sat down, I told him why I was there, and next he asked me to tell him about myself.

So I told him a very brief story of my life, with emphasis on my problems and weaknesses and where I thought they may have come from.

Soon, I got to the evening of Saturday 14 June 2003 at my friend’s wedding reception when I had written myself off as a fucking loser.

I had thought about that incident often during the past three years – and especially during the past week – but that afternoon was the first time I had ever told anyone about it.

And just before I told the psychologist about the moment when I had begun cursing myself, something unexpected happened.

I burst into tears.

And for the next few minutes, I cried hard.

But after I finished, I felt much better.

I talked some more to the psychologist, and when I was finished he told me about what lay ahead for our next few visits.

As well as encouraging me to speak freely and without embarrassment at our future sessions, he would give me written exercises and worksheets to complete, and he would introduce me to something I heard of for the first time then and there – cognitive behavioral therapy.

Finally, our first fifty minutes together came to an end.

Soon after, I stepped out of my psychologist’s office and discovered two things.

One, although my skin was dry all of my clothes were lightly soaked with sweat.

Two, and most of all, I felt like an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

I went to the receptionist whom I had spoken with on the ‘phone the week before, and made my next appointment for next week.

And already, I was looking forward to it.

TO BE CONTINUED

Posted in Action, Gratitude, Hope, Inspiration, Life Challenges, Life Strategies, My Story, Pain | Leave a comment

Before Black and Blue Man: The Six Visits (Part 1)

Posted on 31 August 2013 by blackandblueman

WTF

Early 2006.

I was working for another Canberra-based account, and once again travel was required – which at first was exciting.

To my mild disappointment, however, it turned out that I would only going down there for one day – fly down early in the morning, spend the day working there and fly back to Sydney that night.

Ah, well.

But that day would be one of the longest and most unsettling of my life.

*

Thursday, 16 March 2006.

I got up at 4:30am.

I showered and shaved, but I can’t remember if I had breakfast.

A couple of hours later, I was at Sydney Airport.

A couple of hours after that, I arrived in Canberra.

A long taxi ride followed from one side of the city to the other.

Finally I arrived at the office, and outside I called the project manager to let him know I’d arrived.

He informed me with a laugh that he’d chosen that day to work from home – but no matter, he would call one of the subject-matter experts (SMEs) I’d be working with to let me in.

Although I was a little taken aback by the project manager not being there, I told myself that that wouldn’t be a problem.

Shortly after, one of the SMEs arrived, signed me in and took me up to the office.

It was while we were enroute to the office that the trouble began.

The SME spoke to me, and although he wasn’t rude the tone in his voice – or what I perceived to be the tone in his voice – made me feel very uncomfortable.

I can’t remember his exact words, but I got the impression (or thought I did) that he didn’t want me to bother him at all that day.

I can’t remember my exact response, but I think I said something along the lines to sound reassuring that although I may ask questions from time to time, I could simply sit at a desk and work through any documentation that he and his team could give me…

…but inside, with growing alarm, I started to feel very unwelcome.

And alone.

*

We got to the office. Because it was a government site, it was a secure location where even if I needed to just to go the toilet I’d have to somehow get someone to let me back in.

That made me feel even worse. This guy didn’t want to be bothered by me for work – so the idea of perhaps asking him or another stranger to let me back in from going to the toilet made me feel like a kid at school.

I was shown to a free desk and introduced to another SME. He was polite and helpful – but although not off-putting like his colleague, he was busy with his own work and after giving me some documents to look at I was left alone to my own devices.

Barely an hour had passed.

*

Although I can’t remember if I’d had breakfast that morning, I’m pretty sure that I’d brought a bottle of water with me to the office.

If I did that was very fortunate, because it wouldn’t until mid-afternoon that I finally screwed up the courage to step out of the office to go to the toilet, get some vending-machine snack items from the kitchenette just outside and get someone else to let me back in.

Up until then I’d sat quietly at my desk, gone through the documents I’d been given and begun some updated drafts. As well, I’d made a list of questions to ask about what I’d done.

But especially after how I’d been received that morning – or I thought how I’d been received – I was reluctant to approach the SMEs face-to-face, even though they were only a few metres away. So eventually, I emailed my work to them.

Soon, I overheard them looking at what I’d done and the first SME loudly saying that, no, what I’d rewritten wasn’t right.

I can’t remember if I used that opportunity to go over and ask them about correct information, or if they came over to me or called me over, but finally I was speaking to them.

Fortunately, I spent the last hour or so of my afternoon there talking with the second and kind SME, and making some useful notes that I perhaps could have and should have been making hours before.

Finally, my day in that fucking office came to an end. I politely thanked the SMEs for their time and left.

Down in the lobby there was a worrying long wait for a taxi, but eventually one came to take me back across Canberra to the airport in time.

*

A few hours later, I was back in Sydney.

On the way home from the airport, I got some KFC to eat when I got home. It was either the first proper meal I’d had since breakfast more than 12 hours before, or the first proper meal I’d had at all that day.

Shortly after, I got home at around 10pm.

I was exhausted and starving.

But most of all, I was angry and dumbfounded and scared.

What the fuck had that long and utterly frustrating day accomplished?

But even more what-the-fuck, had most or all of the day been my fault?

True, the project manager should have been there, and from the start the first SME had been off-putting – but could have I done a lot better? (And had I simply misread the first SME?)

Could I have been much more assertive, pro-active and most of all adult – instead of being such an utter coward and a fool?

I strongly suspected that I had been most, if not all, of the day’s problem.

*

The next day, I went to work still feeling terrible.

As well, though, I had an idea.

Like the morning of my first niece’s birth almost four years before when I hit rock-bottom and first thought about doing The Turning Point, I knew I had to do something again.

Fortunately, as part of my employment package I had access to a range of medical and health services including six free visits to a psychologist.

When I got to work, I looked up the details on my employer’s intranet.

I could have called that morning to set up an appointment, but I decided to give myself the weekend to think some more about it.

*

The following Monday, I returned to work with my mind made up.

I was uncomfortable with making the call from my desk and having someone walk past, so I booked a meeting room.

Even so, I sat in that room for about forty-five minutes staring at the ‘phone before I finally picked it up and dialed.

The receptionist who answered had a very pleasant voice.

Not only that, the psychologist’s office was only a fifteen-minute walk away.

And not only that, it was even on the way home.

I made an appointment for an afternoon later that week, and hung up.

Already, I was starting to feel better.

And full of hope.

TO BE CONTINUED

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