Maintain course!

It’s funny indeed how life sometimes follows art, and blogposts.

The day after my previous post, I was walking down my local main-street when, for the first time in ages, I saw a local nemesis coming my way.

I don’t know his name or his background, but I don’t care – because for the past few years, all I have ever seen him do is ask passers-by for money, sometimes stepping right in people’s paths to do so. He is a pest and nothing more.

Several years ago when I first encountered him, before therapy and medication, I would nervously hurry past and reply with a timid “No, sorry” while seething with anger inside.

After I began therapy and medication and my life started to improve, his continuing annoyances made me angrier. As a result, I went through a brief period of responding to him with either a harsh “Piss off!” or “Fuck off!” – to which he’d respond with “You fuck off!” or once with “Yeah, I’ll fight ya!” (although he didn’t).

Venting like that did feel good – but my psychiatrist advised me to stop doing it, though, because it had the potential to make things uglier. Which was fair enough, so I changed to just responding with a curt “No.”

During the past few months, I have encountered him less and less, and I had hoped he had gone for good somewhere else – but every now and then, he would reappear.

And last Sunday, unfortunately, here he was again, about twenty-five metres ahead and coming straight towards me (after he’d unsuccessfully asked two passing young women for money).

Inwardly, I groaned – but, I maintained my course.

He kept coming towards me.

A moment later, I passed a set of traffic lights where people were crossing – and I did turn my head to look and see if there was time for me to cross as well.

But not only was the don’t-walk symbol already flashing, I quickly told myself that suddenly crossing the street would look exactly like what it was – chickenshit.

So I turned forward again, took a breath, and maintained my course.

He kept coming towards me.

I looked straight ahead past him.

My left eyelid started to itch.

I wondered if I should scratch it, which would mean taking off my glasses and possibly leaving me at a short-sighted advantage as he came closer.

I thought fuck it and fuck him, and as we kept walking towards each other I took off my glasses, scratched my eyelid and replaced my glasses.

A moment later, he was finally there, not quite standing in my path and beginning his usual bullshit-pathetic spiel of “”Excuse me, can you please spare some change – “

I walked right on past, kept my head up and my shoulders straight, didn’t make eye-contact at all, and said nothing.

Inside, I was angry and nervous.

But, he said nothing after me (or if he did, I didn’t hear it).

And a few moments later, as he dropped further behind, I relaxed.

Another day, another small victory for myself.

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About blackandblueman

Black and Blue Man lives in Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
This entry was posted in Confidence, Life Strategies, My Story. Bookmark the permalink.

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