Maintain course!

It’s funny indeed how life sometimes follows art, and blogposts.

The day after my previous post, I was walking down my local main-street when, for the first time in ages, I saw a local nemesis coming my way.

I don’t know his name or his background, but I don’t care – because for the past few years, all I have ever seen him do is ask passers-by for money, sometimes stepping right in people’s paths to do so. He is a pest and nothing more.

Several years ago when I first encountered him, before therapy and medication, I would nervously hurry past and reply with a timid “No, sorry” while seething with anger inside.

After I began therapy and medication and my life started to improve, his continuing annoyances made me angrier. As a result, I went through a brief period of responding to him with either a harsh “Piss off!” or “Fuck off!” – to which he’d respond with “You fuck off!” or once with “Yeah, I’ll fight ya!” (although he didn’t).

Venting like that did feel good – but my psychiatrist advised me to stop doing it, though, because it had the potential to make things uglier. Which was fair enough, so I changed to just responding with a curt “No.”

During the past few months, I have encountered him less and less, and I had hoped he had gone for good somewhere else – but every now and then, he would reappear.

And last Sunday, unfortunately, here he was again, about twenty-five metres ahead and coming straight towards me (after he’d unsuccessfully asked two passing young women for money).

Inwardly, I groaned – but, I maintained my course.

He kept coming towards me.

A moment later, I passed a set of traffic lights where people were crossing – and I did turn my head to look and see if there was time for me to cross as well.

But not only was the don’t-walk symbol already flashing, I quickly told myself that suddenly crossing the street would look exactly like what it was – chickenshit.

So I turned forward again, took a breath, and maintained my course.

He kept coming towards me.

I looked straight ahead past him.

My left eyelid started to itch.

I wondered if I should scratch it, which would mean taking off my glasses and possibly leaving me at a short-sighted advantage as he came closer.

I thought fuck it and fuck him, and as we kept walking towards each other I took off my glasses, scratched my eyelid and replaced my glasses.

A moment later, he was finally there, not quite standing in my path and beginning his usual bullshit-pathetic spiel of “”Excuse me, can you please spare some change – “

I walked right on past, kept my head up and my shoulders straight, didn’t make eye-contact at all, and said nothing.

Inside, I was angry and nervous.

But, he said nothing after me (or if he did, I didn’t hear it).

And a few moments later, as he dropped further behind, I relaxed.

Another day, another small victory for myself.


About blackandblueman

Black and Blue Man lives in Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
This entry was posted in Confidence, Life Strategies, My Story. Bookmark the permalink.

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