One does not simply walk into the Piccadilly Motor Inn (Part One)

Posted on 13 March 2011 by blackandblueman

I spent most of my childhood and teens in a couple of towns around Wollongong, a major city south of Sydney.

One night back in 2007 or 2008, I was chatting on Facebook with a friend who still lived near Wollongong when I mentioned the Piccadilly Motor Inn on the western edge of the city centre.

For reasons long forgotten, I had been thinking about visiting Wollongong overnight at the time and I had found the Piccadilly Motor Inn in the online Yellow Pages. What made the Inn especially appealing was that I always travel to Wollongong by train and the Inn is right next door to Wollongong station (see picture above).

When I mentioned the Inn to my friend, however, she didn’t recommend it at all. Instead, she described a very grim place indeed mostly inhabited by unfortunates who lived there thanks to emergency public-housing.

Ultimately, I ended up not staying overnight in Wollongong, and I thought no more about the Piccadilly Motor Inn.

* * * *

Earlier this year, another friend from the same high school who also lives near Wollongong suggested that we meet up again for lunch one weekend.

After we agreed on the weekend, I thought about how to make it more exciting. Soon, I decided to stay one or two nights because not only did it take the fatigue and hassle out of going to Wollongong and back all within one day, but it would be fun – ever since two major interstate-working experiences during the past two years, I enjoy staying in hotels (and one day, I may even do it full-time).

So once again I returned to the online Yellow Pages, and a few options presented themselves – including the Piccadilly Motor Inn.

I remembered what my first friend had said a few years before, and went looking at other hotels first – but later, not only did I find that the Inn now has its own website, but its rates were very appealing: only $77 a night.

I thought again about how my first friend had described it…but then I considered that perhaps the Inn had been refurbished since then, and a business that has a website must have its shit together, and there was even a specific email address for bookings.

So I decided to take a bold step out of my comfort zone, and I emailed an inquiry – which was immediately returned as a delivery failure.

So I decided to take an even bolder step out of my comfort zone and rang the Inn – and the person who answered was friendly and welcoming.

The Piccadilly Motor Inn was looking promising, after all.

* * * *

Finally the big weekend was almost here, and last Friday afternoon I took the train down to Wollongong.

I arrived at around 5:30pm, and as I walked up the hill from the station to nearby Crown Street I looked over to the other side of the tracks at the Piccadilly Motor Inn.

I saw that the Inn appeared to be at the back and perhaps also on top of the Piccadilly Centre, a multi-level shopping complex I remembered from my youth. I assumed that meant I could go inside the Centre and get a lift or escalator up to the Inn.

Unfortunately, after I crossed the bridge above the tracks to get to the Centre, it still looked like how I remembered it from previous visits and even as far back as my teens – a dour-looking place that looked dreary and half-empty.

Worst than that, there were no lifts or escalators that went up to where the Inn was.

I went back outside and walked further along to find a non-descript door to a flight of steps that led upwards to the Inn – but as a sign on the door mentioned, only key-holders could use it and reception was up on the rooftop level via the carpark at back.

I went around to the western side of the Centre and the entrance to the carpark – but the only thing there I saw that went up was a ramp for cars. I didn’t see any sign of a lift or even stairs.

I did see another entrance back into the Centre, though, and I thought that perhaps there were lifts or stairs inside there.

A moment later, though, I found that there was neither.

How the hell would I get to the Inn?

I walked back through the Centre to its Crown Street entrance, looked around again in case I’d missed lifts or escalators the first time, saw that I hadn’t, and for the second time walked around to the western side of the Centre.

Just past the entrance to the carpark, I saw that right next door there was a shiny new-looking parking station. I thought that it should definitely have lifts, so I went thattaway.

About five minutes later up on the rooftop level of the parking station, I saw that although it was right next door to the Centre’s rooftop level, both structures were completely separated by a high concrete wall.

Again, how the hell would I get to the Inn?

I went back down to Earth, walked up the hill beside the east side of the Centre, and for a third time went around to the western side and the entrance to the carpark.

I looked at the car ramp, which climbed parallel to the street. Surely that wasn’t the only way up for pedestrians? What if I was walking up and a car came flying up or down…?

I sighed, truly appreciated what James Howard Kunstler often says in his podcasts about how modern civilisation is built more for cars than people, and trudged over to the bottom of the ramp…

…where I discovered that it did have a narrow painted lane for walkers (although it’s not clearly visible from the street), so finally upwards I went.

Up on the empty roof, I followed the walking lane as it snaked past a small building that turned out to be a nightclub that appeared to have been closed a long time. Beyond the nightclub, a broken sign pointing north announced RECEPTION.

I turned a corner to where the sign pointed, and finally I saw the Inn!

But it looked rundown, indeed – and something that wasn’t very encouraging were several very-brown mattresses leaning against a wall that I walked past.

And up ahead to my right, sitting amidst some weeds near the eastern wall of the carpark were several hardened-looking individuals who were drinking or smoking or both (but I didn’t look too closely).

I turned another corner and finally saw the doors to RECEPTION. A little boy and a little girl were playing in front of it, standing several metres apart and possibly tossing a ball back and forth (again, I didn’t look too closely).

I went right up to the glass doors, which the little boy was standing close in front of, and went to open one.

It was locked.

I looked inside, but because of afternoon glare I couldn’t see clearly what was inside. There only appeared to be a hallway.

Both doors had signs that announced keyholders only past this point, but nothing else about what to do and where else to go if you wanted to check in.

I tried the other door.

It was also locked.

I saw a buzzer, and pressed it.

The doors didn’t unlock, and no one came.

I looked down at the little boy.

He looked up at me blankly. He was disabled.

I looked back inside.

How the hell was I meant to get in?

The little girl came over and said something to the boy. He remained silent.

I asked her about getting inside, and she said that I needed a key.

I told her that I didn’t have one yet because I needed to check in first, so she suggested that I press the buzzer so someone could come and open the door.

I pressed the buzzer again, but still no one came.

I asked her if there was another way in, and she described the door on Crown Street at the front of the Centre – but again, she said that I needed a key.

I was dumbfounded.

And then I got angry – not at the little girl, but at the Inn that wouldn’t even let me in.

I thanked the little girl for her help, to which she replied “You’re welcome”, and I left.

Those hardened-looking individuals I’d asked earlier were still there, and I could have walked over and asked them…but I chickened out and didn’t.

At the same time, though, I was fed up with the crappy-looking Inn and the crappy-looking Centre and this crappy part of Wollongong, and I just wanted to get out.

But then what?

If this had been before mid-2007, I would have been so furious but also lacking in so much self-confidence that I would have gone back down to the station, waited for the next train back to Sydney, spent the train-ride home cursing myself and the Inn, and then either return by train the next day to still meet my friend or Facebook him that night and cancel my visit.

But now I was a different person, and as headed back to the ramp I decided to take a running jump out of my comfort zone (but not off of the rooftop carpark) and do something that, before mid-2007, I thought I would never ever have the guts and initiative to do – walk around, look for other hotels, and ask if they had vacancies and what were their rates.

I headed back across the bridge above the railway tracks.

It was just after 5:45pm, and uncomfortably humid with dark angry thunderclouds coming in from the west behind me.

I continued east along Crown Street towards the Wollongong CBD.

To be continued…

Until then, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Action, Anger, Life Challenges, My Story | 6 Comments

Child-free

Posted on 6 March 2011 by blackandblueman

Like many folks, I have regrets about some of the decisions I’ve made in life – but there are two that I will never regret.

One of those decisions was made in my late teens, when after some serious thought I realised that I was an atheist.

The other decision was made earlier than that, when as a kid I thought that when I became a grown-up, I didn’t want to have kids of my own.

I didn’t have a horrible or rotten childhood, but by the age of 10 I had no desire to ever have a family. It was simply a case of lifestyle choice – being a parent and raising children held no interest for me at all.

The older I grew, the stronger this feeling became. When I was 17, I was deadly serious about wanting a vasectomy – although my parents pointed out that no doctor would perform that operation on someone that young.

My thirties are almost over, and my mind remains unchanged about not wanting children. I still haven’t had a vasectomy, but in the last year or so I’ve thought about it again because past the age of 40 the last thing I want to be – and unexpectedly – is a father.

Over the years, I’ve copped some flak for my mindset. It’s amusing to recall that when I was a kid, one of my younger sisters was angry at the time because I was the last male in our family and my not having kids would mean the end of our name. In senior high school a friend very seriously called me selfish, and in my early twenties when I told a female workmate that I didn’t want kids, she half-playfully slapped me and scolded me.

Still, for a long time it was interesting to note that many people I encountered had the notion that parenthood was a given – something that everyone did eventually.

The most I have ever felt bugged about this matter was back in the early 2000s when popular Australian columnist Sally Loane wrote a pair of newspaper articles that smugly criticised people who were child-free by choice. It was one of the few times in my life that I was compelled to write a letter to a newspaper (I don’t think it was published, though).

Ever since mid-2007 when my depression was diagnosed, I’ve felt extra relief that I’ve never had children because I hate to think what having the black dog as a parent could have done to me and a family. True, in an alternate child-filled reality I may have been compelled to seek diagnosis and treatment earlier, and become a better person much sooner – but as I’ve finally come to learn during the past few years, dwelling too much on the past only wastes time.

My siblings and some friends have children whom I genuinely adore and like, but ‘Uncle’ is what I am happy to remain and always will be.

Until next time, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Gratitude, Happiness, My Story | Leave a comment

Songs of Inspiration 1 (the first in an irregular series)

Posted on 27 February 2011 by blackandblueman

Friday, 25 February, 2011. Just after 7:30pm.

It was a pleasant evening in Potts Point, a Sydney inner-city suburb. I’d just enjoyed a few hours having some laughs with an old friend, and I was at a local restaurant that she’d recommended where I’d just enjoyed a delicious pizza.

The night was still young, and I didn’t feel like going home yet, so what to do?

I moseyed online to a local website that lists all of the movies currently playing in Sydney, and I saw to my delight that a local arthouse cinema was showing a classic double that began at 8:30pm – Dog Day Afternoon and Bonnie And Clyde.

But then, a familiar nagging voice from the back of my mind started protesting (albeit much softer than it used to before mid-2007).

You’ve already seen Bonnie And Clyde a few times before – including once at that same cinema.

You tried watching Dog Day Afternoon many years before on VHS but didn’t finish it.

It’ll be four hours at the movies, and you might fall asleep (as you have done several times before).

What if you need to go to the toilet? You can’t leave your backpack on your seat, because it contains your work’s laptop PC and if it gets stolen…

…and so on for a few more reasons.

I gave those nagging thoughts some consideration.

But then I considered that:

  • I’d always liked Bonnie And Clyde
  • my present self might appreciate Dog Day Afternoon a lot more than I’d tried to about 20 years before (yikes!) – and this time, I’d be seeing it on the big screen
  • that same cinema was where last year I’d had one of my best movie-going experiences ever
  • if I fall asleep, big deal
  • if I have to go to the toilet, just take my fucking backpack with me!

But most of all, there was the overall reason that I have used to help me make many important decisions during the past few years.

Part of that reason comes from remembering my Eckhart Tolle, and part of it comes from a song that struck a powerful chord when I first heard it about a year or so ago.

WARNING! The following song is by Nickelback, which may offend some listeners and viewers

Nickelback – ‘If Today Was Your Last Day’

I first saw the above video in a restaurant where I couldn’t hear the song because of the surrounding noise. Later at home, I YouTubed the above video, liked the song immediately (as I have with several other Nickelback songs), read more about it at Wikipedia and bought it from iTunes.

And ‘If Today Was Your Last Day’ still gets a lot of airplay on my PC and iPod – and elsewhere, I think of it a lot when I’m making a decision about doing something or not.

True, there are instances where sometimes it has been better not to do something – but most times, it’s better to take the chance, rather than one day look back and regret what I didn’t do.

So, that moment in Potts Point, I once again told the nagging voice to be quiet.

Next, I left the restaurant and did the following:

  • walked to the next suburb where the cinema is
  • grabbed a big bottle of Pepsi Max and a medium tub of Ben And Jerry’s from a 7-11 near the cinema *
  • spent the next 4.5 hours thoroughly enjoying Dog Day Afternoon and Bonnie And Clyde (again) with another great movie-loving audience

And during intermission when I had to go the toilet, I took my backpack with me.

Until next time, stay well and take care 🙂

* At present in Australia, there are no Ben And Jerry’s outlets and their ice cream can only be found at a few retailers for ritzy prices; therefore, it’s a delicacy that most folks here reserve for special occasions – but it helps makes those occasions even more memorable 🙂

Posted in Action, Happiness, Hope, Inspiration, Life Challenges, Life is Good | Leave a comment

I don’t feel like dancing

Posted on 19 February 2011 by blackandblueman

Last weekend, I did something that I hadn’t done since 10 June 2003.

I went to a wedding reception.

As well as being an event I don’t often experience, this latest case of a friend tying the knot had special significance.

It would be the first reception I would attend since undergoing my great life-change from mid-2007, so I was interested to see how I would handle it.

And one element in particular – dancing.

For most of my life, I have loved listening to music and I have no problems dancing in the privacy of my own home – but up until mid-2007, I had done almost no dancing in public because risk-averse self-conscious guys like me with no self-confidence, that’s what we do (or don’t).

In fact, the last time I had danced had been at the reception of an earlier wedding in 2003, and that had been embarrassing (to me, anyway). A stunning friend of the bride had suddenly dragged me from my seat for the last song of the night, and enroute to the dance-floor I had resolved to be a good sport and give it my best shot…but despite those good intentions, I became incredibly self-conscious and uncomfortable, and thus I spent all of ‘The Time Of My Life’ looking down at the floor as I barely shuffled my feet back and forth.

This time, however, I had resolved to do much better – and I genuinely wanted to do much better.

Still, even right up until after dinner when the dance-floor opened, I was a little nervous about it.

But although I had no plans to take the incredibly bold step and ask someone to dance, I told myself that if I was taken onto the dance-floor, I should relax, dance for myself, not give a damn about what anyone else may or may not be thinking of me, and have a good time.

Sure enough, not long after the second song had begun, a woman at my table whom I’d just met and had had some fun conversation with earlier took my hands and led me over.

I went willingly, and a moment later we began dancing to ‘Thank ABBA For The Music’.

I kept my 2003 massive dance-fail in mind, and moved my arse with a lot more effort and energy.

I kept my head up, looked directly at my partner and did several types of shuffle. I tried moving in time with her and exchanging high-fives, and although we mostly missed by country miles I kept on going. Several times, I even lifted one foot and spun all the way around on the other.

A few minutes passed.

My partner vanished – why and where, I don’t know. But that shouldn’t stop me, I told myself, so I turned to my neighbours and kept on dancing.

Another minute or so passed.

And then suddenly I realised something, and came to a halt.

I didn’t feel like dancing anymore.

I wasn’t embarrassed, or nervous, or self-conscious…

…but I was bored.

At first, I found that both funny and unbelievable. Despite my nervousness during the previous week, I had been looking forward to dancing…but now I was finally here and doing it, and after only a few minutes I wanted to stop because it wasn’t that interesting after all?

But the more I thought about it, the more I felt like just sitting back down, relaxing and enjoying the overall atmosphere.

So I did.

Time passed. The dance-floor remained busy, and I remained seated and relaxed as I enjoyed the general atmosphere and spoke with several people at my table.

From time to time, I enjoyed watching some of my fellow guests dance, but I had no plans to rejoin them and that provoked an interesting question to mull over.

What if I were asked again to dance?

On one hand, if the occasion arose I didn’t want to be a whiny deadshit about it…but on the other hand, I simply had no interest in dancing again.

So what to do?

Eventually, I decided what my response would be – and later when another woman from my table came over and asked me to join her on her dance-floor, I smiled at her and replied matter-of-factly, but also pleasantly and politely, “No, thank you.”

She placed her hands on my shoulder and asked again, so once more I smiled and replied matter-of-factly, but also pleasantly and politely, “No, thank you.”

She kept her hands on my shoulder and asked a third time.

Now I was starting to get annoyed, but for the third time I smiled and replied matter-of-factly, but also pleasantly and politely, “No, thank you.”

Fortunately, the woman I had danced with earlier was now sitting a few seats away, and she told her daughter that if I didn’t want to dance, please leave me be.

So I was left to be, and for the rest of the night I continued to sit there, relax, enjoy the general atmosphere and talk with others.

I had nothing against my second would-be dance-partner – she was a nice person and a few times throughout the night we spoke and had a few laughs.

But, despite giving it my best shot and initially liking it, I ultimately realised that I didn’t want to dance after all, and I was fine with declining her request.

Although I did appreciate her mother lending support at that crucial moment.

Until next time, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Confidence, Inspiration, Life Challenges, Life is Good, Life Strategies, My Story | 1 Comment

“Get off my lawn!” – a celebration of Walter Kowalski from ‘Gran Torino’

Posted on 13 February 2011 by blackandblueman

'Gran Torino' - http://www.thegrantorino.com/

WARNING! The following post contains spoilers about this film

During the past few years, the 2008 Clint Eastwood film Gran Torino has become a fond favourite. I enjoyed it very much when I first saw it during its initial release, and when I recently saw it again for the second and third time on DVD I enjoyed it even more.

Like many good things in life, Gran Torino works well on several levels.

First, it’s a great example of what Clint Eastwood does well as a director – he makes films that look simple and straight-forward on the surface yet contain a lot of rich depth underneath. Each time I’ve watched Gran Torino, I’ve found more details and nuances to appreciate.

Second, it’s also a great example of what Clint Eastwood can accomplish as an actor. Walter Kowalski is one of my favourite performances of his, a wonderful depiction of a very grumpy old man who initially seems to be just that, but (like the film itself) turns out to be so much more. I’ll get back to Walt in a moment.

Third, Gran Torino tells a hilarious, powerful and thought-provoking story about different types of people learning to live together and respect each other’s differences in age, culture and life experiences. As well, it has a lot to say about friendship and manliness.

Which brings me back to Walt, the heart and soul of Gran Torino.

When we first meet Walt, he doesn’t inspire much confidence or likability. Although it’s very sad that he’s recently lost his wife, and even allowing for how infuriating his children and grandchildren are, Walt seems aggressively bigoted, cranky, ornery and rude – and that’s even before he encounters the latest Hmong neighbours on his street.

And for a while, cranky and mean Walt keeps on being cranky and mean Walt, especially towards his neighbours…but as the movie progresses, Walt comes to understand, appreciate and respect them. In turn, Walt’s new friends come to see that behind his gruff facade, he has many good qualities and strengths.

When I first saw Gran Torino way back in early 2008, it had been six months since I’d begun the medication and therapy that to this day continues to change my life for the better. During those first six months I’d already made some very important gains, especially with self-confidence and feeling much better about myself.

By the time I first saw Gran Torino, I had been thinking a lot about one of life’s most challenging and interesting concepts, “What is a man?” – and after seeing Walt in action, I had a lot more food for thought.

No, that didn’t mean that I now wanted to yell abuse at everyone and snarl at them at gunpoint to get off of my property…but there were several qualities about Walt that have reinforced what I’ve learnt during the past few years about what makes a good man.

First, Walt always took action. Whether it was someone breaking into his garage, seeing someone trapped by overwhelming odds, confronting violence on his front lawn or going to his friends’ defence despite great danger, Walt did something about it. He may have been afraid doing so – although I got the impression that he never was 🙂 – but even if he had been, Walt didn’t show it and he acted regardless.

Second, Walt was a good role model. His relationship with Thao was one of my favourite components of Gran Torino. Although their first encounters weren’t very promising, because of faults they both had, Walt came to understand and appreciate his young friend and imparted vital knowledge that in turn helped Thao to grow and improve. Two of my favourite moments in Gran Torino are at Martin’s Barber Shop where Walt and Martin hilariously teach Thao about ‘guy-talk’, and in the next scene at the construction-site office where Thao demonstrates that he’s a fast learner.

Third, Walt was a devoted and loyal friend. Although his reaction to the Hmong gang’s assault on Thao would have unfortunate consequences, Walt took action – and unasked – because he wanted to help a friend. Later, when Walt made his ultimate decision about what to do about the gang, he took steps to ensure that Thao would stay out of danger.

Fourth, beneath that very ornery exterior, Walt had a charming soft side. I always enjoyed his moments with his dog Daisy whenever he confided to her, and I also liked the small barbecue he hosted where he joked with Thao, Thao’s mother and sister, and the young woman whom Thao had finally gotten the courage to ask on a date (with thanks to Walt).

Finally, despite great loss and disappointment with some aspects of his life, Walt still took great pride in what else he had achieved – like his well-maintained home; the great collection of tools in his garage that he’d acquired over the years; and his Gran Torino that he’d even helped to build at the Ford plant. One of my favourite Daisy scenes was when he was sitting with her on his front porch just after he’d washed the car, and admiring its beauty and his handiwork – for me, it was a great moment about enjoying one of life’s simplest pleasures.

There is a lot more I could write about Gran Torino, but I won’t – because if you haven’t already seen it, the best thing is to do so as soon as possible.

And until next time, stay well and take care 🙂

For a detailed and fun analysis of Walt, I recommend the Death Valley Magazine article ‘Gran Torino’ and the 31 Old School Man Habits of Walt Kowalski

Posted in Inspiration | Leave a comment

The 10-Year Plan

Posted on 6 February 2011 by blackandblueman

Recently at his blog, Roosh posted the interesting and thought-provoking entry What Is Your Project? about challenging, improving and growing yourself.

After Roosh explains why it’s important and rewarding to keep taking that one step further in your life, he ends his post by questioning the reader with “So, what is your project?”

That question got me thinking, and then I realised that I had an answer – a long-term project I conceived last year called The 10-Year Plan.

This project was inspired by several factors:

  • Wanting to become financially secure
  • Not wanting to own a home
  • Enjoying urban living, which I have been doing since 1995
  • Enjoying domestic travel and hotel living, which I have done more of in recent years

So, by the time I’m 50, I want to be in the following situation:

  • Financially secure, in that I am living comfortably and can afford what I need and want
  • Living in a hotel or serviced apartment in a Sydney inner-city area or major urban centre
  • Able to make visits a few times a year to favourite locations like Brisbane, Canberra and Melbourne, and also visit new places (and maybe overseas as well)

So what do I need to do to realise The 10-Year Plan? At present, I have a few sub-projects either already in motion or on the drawing board.

Get my financial house in order
I have a modest income that already enables me to live quite comfortably – but I still only live from pay to pay, have very little savings and no types of investment or passive income. So, I will have to become financially literate and increase my income.

Fortunately, I have taken my first few steps here by starting to save and doing some reading, and I am finding it encouraging and interesting rather than being a chore.

De-clutter my life
Partly because of my anal-retentiveness and OCD, my current abode is an over-filled nightmare and obstacle course filled with:

  • favourite things like hundreds of books, CDs and DVDs
  • things that I haven’t used for years but have either still hung onto because one day I may need them again, or just pretend that they’re not there

So, during the next 10 years almost all of this will have to go. I have begun selling some of this stuff on eBay and am also contemplating giving other stuff to local charities.

The biggest issue here, though, is my books. Although there are many I can get rid of, there are still many I’d like to keep for practical and sentimental reasons (yes, there are some I could replace with ebook editions, but others I cannot; as well, I love physical books).

Keep expanding my horizons
Up until the mid-2000s, and apart from annual visits to family interstate, I travelled rarely due to a lack of interest and lack of guts. During the past few years, however, as I found myself travelling interstate more for work, not only did I find that I enjoyed it but I also learned more and more interesting skills. As a result, I now enjoy domestic travel and am interested in doing more of it.

As yet, though, I still haven’t been overseas. Before mid-2007, this was something I never considered because it seemed too daunting…but now that I’ve gotten much better, I’ve been giving it more thought.

Of course, between now and 2021, aspects of The 10-Year Plan may change – but the overall intent will remain the same: to have a better life by the time I’m 50, and to be able to look back and marvel at what I accomplished to get there.

Until next time, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Action, Hope, Inspiration, Life Challenges, Life Strategies, My Story | 3 Comments

“ENOUGH!”

Posted on 23 January 2011 by blackandblueman

WARNING! The following post contains coarse language that may offend some readers and attract others

From 1989 to 1991, I went to university in Canberra, the capital city of Australia.

It was a very interesting and life-changing experience, especially as it involved living on my own for the first time, and I was still only 20 years old when I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts degree…but for many years afterwards, I mostly regarded those three years as an embarrassment and a failure (and I didn’t even go to my graduation ceremony).

Why?

One reason was burn-out. I had gone straight from high school to uni, and by 1991 I had spent 16 years of my life in classrooms. Although I had mostly been a good student throughout my life, I hadn’t liked much about school and especially towards the end of uni I wanted out. For years after completing uni, I often described it as “just another three years of high school”.

A second reason was having the wrong attitude. Again, for years after uni I would say that I was glad that I had gotten it “out of the way” and I could now “get on with the rest of my life”. During my final year at uni, this feeling became so strong that I went from doing all of my assignments at the very last minute to completing them a few days ahead of schedule because I just wanted them gone so I could do other more interesting things like read for pleasure…and read some more.

A third reason was that my twenties, the decade of my life that followed uni, would turn out to suck big-time. To this day, it’s still the crummiest period of my life thus far, filled with little income, some of the worst jobs I’ve ever had, periods of unemployment, constant frustration and an increasing lack of self-confidence…all of which would make me look back at uni and feel that I had accomplished very little by having gone there. This led to another frequent claim I made for several years that I’d gone into uni as a 17-year-old dickhead but only come out as a 20-year-old dickhead.

Finally, another reason was not being able to remain in Canberra. Although the national capital has long been unpopular with many Australians (especially those who live outside of it), I came to like Canberra a lot – its cleanliness, neatness and orderliness very much appealed to my anal-retentive and obsessive-compulsive nature, and I also enjoyed the wealth of history down there. As the end of uni approached, I tried to get a job in Canberra but was unsuccessful – which added more to my sense of failure (as did the first job I got in my hometown a week after finishing uni – filling shelves in a local supermarket).

So the years went by, and I put my uni days and Canberra further and further behind me.

In 2002, I made my first interstate travel for work – and to Canberra of all places, where I hadn’t been since early 1992. It was a somewhat nerve-wracking experience because I went solo with a lack of purpose and resources, but although I didn’t go near any of my old stomping grounds I liked seeing some of Canberra again.

In 2003 and 2005, I returned again to Canberra for work, and those trips were much better…

…but in 2006, I made a useless one-day visit to Canberra that filled me with so much anger, frustration and self-doubt that the following week I began the first of several visits to a psychologist (and fortunately those sessions would do me a world of good).

A few more years passed, and then in early 2009 I accepted a work assignment in Canberra that would require me to travel there for at least the first few weeks (or so the project manager thought at the time).

On one hand, I was excited about seeing Canberra again – but on the other hand, and partly with my 2006 experience still in mind, I was a little nervous (although since mid-2007 when I’d begun my current therapy and medication, I was in a much better state than in the past).

So, on a pleasant Sunday morning before the day I was due to start work there, I caught a coach down to Canberra (I could have flown, but as I’d found from past experience flying down there sucks). After I arrived at midday in Civic, Canberra’s city centre, my plan was to have lunch, do a little shopping and sight-seeing, get a cab to my hotel and spend Sunday evening getting ready for the next few days ahead.

The coach reached Canberra on time. Shortly after, I discovered King O’Malley’s Irish Pub and had a Mexican pizza and a jug of diet cola for lunch (I would later learn that King O’Malley, an important figure in Australian and Canberra history, was actually born in the USA – or Canada, according to some sources – and during the early years of Canberra’s existence he had prohibited alcohol there).

So far, so good…but as lunch came to an end, several nagging voices came to mind.

I had to buy some business shirts – but where from, and how much would they cost?

How long would it take for me to get a cab?

What grocery-shopping was available near my hotel? If there wasn’t any, should I buy some stuff now? But would I have enough room in my luggage to carry it?

And were the next few days going to suck like that dreadful day back in 2006?

So many things to think about…

I left King O’Malley’s and headed into nearby Garema Place, the large public space in the centre of Civic. It had changed very little since my uni days.

Uni…when I’d had little money, and stressful assignments, and worries about what the heck I’d be doing with my life afterwards…

I began crossing Garema Place towards the Canberra Centre shopping mall, which had a Target where I could get some relatively cheap business shirts…I hoped.

The fearful voices in my head became a crescendo.

I became anxious and scared.

And then suddenly, I became angry.

A new voice in my head snarled For fuck’s sake!

I stopped near the centre of Garema Place.

And I almost yelled out loud one word at myself:

“ENOUGH!”

All those voices in my head suddenly shut up.

I stood there for a moment.

Those voices remained silent.

I took a deep breath.

The fears from my past, present and future were gone.

And I felt much, much better.

I resumed my journey to Canberra Centre, and about twenty minutes later at Target I found several business shirts for a very good price.

Shortly after that, I rediscovered a bookstore from my uni days that sold remaindered stock at amazing low prices and picked up several very interesting-looking titles.

Some time later, after calmly walking from empty taxi-rank to empty taxi-rank around Civic, I noted down a ‘phone number from a passing occupied taxi, called the cab company on my mobile and soon had another cab pick me up and take me to my hotel.

As I checked in at the hotel, I asked the receptionist about what shopping was available nearby. A few hours later after a delicious dinner at a nearby restaurant, I walked back to the hotel loaded with supplies for the day ahead from a supermarket not far from the restaurant.

That night, I ironed my clothes for the next day, prepared myself for work, and finally relaxed with one of my book purchases from that afternoon – and not only had Rock ‘Til You Drop by John Strausbaugh been the amazing low price of $3.99, it was a thoroughly engrossing and interesting read.

Finally, late that night I went to bed feeling great – especially when I looked back on that moment in Garema Place when I symbolically shouted down my demons and finally got on with my life.

And during the next few days, my visit went well.

And unknown to me at that time, that visit would be the first of eight trips that would see me spend most of the next two months not only living and working in Canberra, but also enjoying one of the most enjoyable and productive periods of my life. That, perhaps, is a story for another time.

And until then, or at least my next post, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Action, Anger, Happiness, Life Challenges, My Story | 1 Comment

My Top Ten Favourite Movies of 2010

Posted on 16 January 2011 by blackandblueman

As I’ve written previously, I’ve had a life-long love for movies and cinema-going.

This time each year, I like to look back and make Top Ten lists of what were my favourite and least-favourite films during the previous year.

So, without further ado and only in order of when I saw them throughout the year, here are my Top Ten Favourite Movies of 2010 (ie: movies that were first released in Australia during 2010).


Up In The Air
I very much enjoyed this film for several reasons:

  • It starred George Clooney, who is (a) a good actor who often makes interesting films and (b) a man whom many other men (including myself) fantasize about being (or being like)
  • It was very funny and very moving
  • It struck a big chord – early in 2009, I spent two months travelling interstate each week for work; my lifestyle during those two months became very much like that of George’s character, and I found it very enjoyable and rewarding (and a few months after I saw Up In The Air, I would go through a similar experience in another city)


The Road
Shortly before The Road was released in Australia, I read the award-winning Cormac McCarthy novel that it was adapted from. At first, the novel took a little time to get into…but once I did, I read half of it in one sitting and finished the rest the next day, because The Road turned out to be one of the most grim yet compelling stories I’ve ever read.

Fortunately, the film complements the novel perfectly – while the post-apocalypse world that Viggo Mortensen’s character and his son is unrelentingly depressing, and their days seem to blur together with no hope and joy whatsoever, like them you’re compelled to keep on going.

Like George, Viggo is another favourite leading-man of mine, and in The Road he plays one of his greatest roles yet – a man who, despite whatever his crummy world throws at him, keeps on keeping on.


The Hurt Locker
It took a long time for The Hurt Locker to finally get released in Australia – and by the time it did, the hype surrounding it was almost off-putting (especially the claims from some that it was the greatest film ever made).

To my relief, however, The Hurt Locker turned out to be an engrossing and powerful piece of cinema. It’s a matter-of-fact and straight-forward film, but therein lies its strength – by simply showing what it’s like for Jeremy Renner’s character to defuse bombs in Iraq, The Hurt Locker becomes increasingly unnerving yet gripping.


The Secret In Their Eyes
Before this Argentinian movie won the 2010 Oscar for Best Foreign Film, I had never heard of it – but the more I read about it soon after, the more intrigued I became, and I kept hoping that it would get a cinema run here in Australia.

Fortunately, Secret soon arrived for a brief season on the arthouse-cinema circuit – and not only did it go straight into this Top Ten after I saw it, but also within this group it’s one of my favourites.

For me, most of the best foreign films I’ve seen are like a splendid long meal – they take their unhurried time being enjoyable, and as the end nears you’re reluctant to get up and leave. Secret was another great example of this – it patiently told its dual stories of the decades-long quest to solve a hideous crime and the decades-long relationship of two friends yearning for much more, and by the time you reluctantly came to film’s end you truly felt that you had spent years being absorbed by both stories (and the resolution of the crime story was a stunning moment that, in the session that I attended, had many viewers gasping).

As well, I thought the female lead Soledad Villamil was very beautiful – I didn’t want to stop looking at her.


Animal Kingdom
As with The Hurt Locker, a lot of hype preceded the release of this Australian film after it was well received at the 2010 Sundance Film Festival. As a result, I also approached Animal Kingdom with caution…

…but not only was I pleasantly surprised by Animal Kingdom, I was riveted by its grim yet gripping story of suburban crime in Melbourne. While crime can pay handsomely, it can also cost heavily – and Animal Kingdom excels at making it look especially banal, cruel and ugly.

What helped make Animal Kingdom work was its top cast of several generations of leading Australian talent.


Greenberg
Like Up In The Air, the funny and moving Greenberg struck a chord with me – but in a different way.

As I watched Ben Stiller give an excellent performance as the frustrated yet frustrating Roger Greenberg, I saw past and present elements of myself that I didn’t like. True, I have been aware of those elements for years, but seeing them on display again in Greenberg was confronting and uncomfortable…but also thought-provoking towards action to do something about those elements.


Buried
Yet as tense as Greenberg got at times, at least Roger Greenberg didn’t have to endure what Ryan Reynolds’ character had to go through in Buried.

And not only did he have to spend the entire film buried in a coffin somewhere in Iraq and using his mobile ‘phone to desperately call for help from an increasingly unhelpful outside world…but during one moment that made everyone in my cinema session gasp, Ryan made the awful discovery that he wasn’t the only living thing within that confined space (and the method he used to try and get rid of his unwanted guest was inspired yet downright nuts at the same time).

If Alfred Hitchcock were still alive, I’m sure he would have thoroughly enjoyed Buried – it’s very much the type of nail-biting thriller that he was famous for making.


The Social Network
One of my favourite films of the 1970s is the classic All The President’s Men, which tells a complex and startling story almost entirely through dialogue – and with a good deal of that dialogue spoken by characters on the ‘phone.

The Social Network reminded me very much of All The President’s Men. This engrossing account of the story of Facebook is similarly complex and takes place mostly in meeting rooms and at computer desks – but thanks to Aaron Sorkin’s excellent screenplay, David Fincher’s great direction and a wonderful cast, it is never dull.


Red Hill
A modern-day Western tale of justice and vengeance set in an Australian country town, Red Hill was great fun – and at the end, very moving.

If you love Westerns about righteous revenge and underdog heroes, and if you’re also intrigued about how this story plays in a current Australian setting, Red Hill is a film for you.


The King’s Speech
I admit it – several times throughout The King’s Speech, I was almost moved to tears by this inspiring and powerful film about friendship, leadership and struggling to overcome a lifetime of crippling problems.

Geoffrey Rush and especially Colin Firth were remarkable in their respective roles of the kindly and unorthodox therapist Lionel Logue and the future King George VI. They made me laugh and almost cry a lot with their wonderful performances. Other cast members like Helena Bonham Carter and Guy Pearce provided solid support.

What were your favourite films in 2010?

Until next time, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Gratitude, Happiness, Inspiration, Life is Good | Leave a comment

One fingernail at a time

Posted on 5 January 2011 by blackandblueman

Ever since I was a kid, I have bitten my fingernails.

A couple of times during childhood, my parents tried coating my fingernails with a foul-tasting deterrent called Bansuk – but despite its awful taste, I kept on biting.

A few times throughout my teens and early adulthood, I went through brief periods where I stopped for several weeks, but eventually relapsed.

As I would learn over the years, fingernail-biting can be related to stress and is a sign of OCD behaviour – especially if you’ve taken too big a bite of a fingernail that results in unsightly unevenness, and so you keep on biting to make the rest of the fingernail look uniform, even if it means gnawing right down to the quick and having it sting for the next day or so.

As well, though, I actually like the taste of fingernails, and relaxing with a large piece of bitten nail and chewing on it for a while like a dog with a bone.

So, although part of me has long wanted to stop biting my fingernails because it was ugly and unhealthy, part of me shrugged and thought that it would be a problem that I couldn’t overcome (or didn’t want to).

One day late in 2007, though, I was yet again studying my ugly bitten fingernails when I thought, yet again, that it’s a shame that I bite my fingernails, and that I should stop…

…but how?

And then I had an idea.

Why not try letting one fingernail at a time grow back?

The more I thought about it, the more do-able and exciting it seemed.

So, I chose my right forefinger as my first experimental subject.

A couple of weeks later, that fingernail was looking good, and I had already moved on to others.

More weeks passed, and more of my nails grew and looked better.

A couple of months passed, and when I visited my family interstate for Christmas 2007, my eldest sister was amazed to see me doing something she’d never seen me do before – trimming my long fingernails with a nail-file and scissors.

As well, when I told my youngest sister that I’d stopped biting my nails so much, she remarked that in the preceding few days she’d noticed something “different” about my fingers.

At around the same time, I also mentioned and showed my success to my psychiatrist, who commented that it was a sign that I was becoming less stressed.

Three years later, my fingernails are still looking good. I’m especially impressed with my thumbnails – they were my biggest challenge because they take so long to grow, but in the end they got there and they look the best they ever have.

Every once in a while, especially if I have something on my mind at the time, I still bite my fingernails, but nowhere near as badly as I used to.

And there’s been one unintended benefit that I’ve discovered through letting my fingernails grow, and trimming them instead of biting them.

Grown nails are tougher nails, and a large trimmed off-cut makes for longer and more enjoyable chewing, like a dog with a bigger bone.

Until next time, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Action, Hope, Inspiration, Life Challenges, Life is Good, Life Strategies, My Story | 4 Comments

The year ahead and a 2010 resolution I did keep

Posted on 2 January 2011 by blackandblueman

It’s the second day of the new year, and once again I’m enjoying a Sabbath – from 20 December until yesterday, life had been enjoyable if hectic, so for the first time in almost two weeks I’m having a quiet day at home to relax and unwind.

As I’ve gotten older, the period between Christmas Day and New Year’s Day has become my favourite time of the year for several reasons:

  • It’s summer here in Australia
  • Because many people are holidaying, my part of Sydney is more peaceful and relaxed than usual
  • It’s a good time to review the year past and think about the year ahead

Initially, I was going to use this post to list my goals, plans and resolutions for 2011…but as many of us have learned from previous experience, there’s always a danger to yourself and others when you make such bold announcements – later on, when things haven’t gone quite as planned (or at all), they become painful big sticks for yourself and others to beat yourself with.

Instead, though, I will recommend the following blogpost from the one and only Larry Winget:

10 Ways To Make New Years Resolutions Stick

Looking back at my 2010, overall it was a pretty good year. There were a few major lows, but fortunately I was able to react better to them than I would have in the past – and most importantly of all, there were some great highs which have made my life better as a result.

This time last year, I had a few resolutions in mind. Admittedly, most of them I’ve forgotten, and there were some mistakes I still kept making – but there is one resolution I have kept.

Initially, I had planned in 2010 to create a blog or website about creative writing. The object of this exercise was to share my work and get feedback, and motivate myself to write regularly.

Months passed, however, and no such blog or website appeared. Part of it was a loss of interest and motivation for creative writing, and part of it was OCD and procrastination getting in the way – I wanted my blog or website to be absolutely perfect before it went live, damn it, and so I wanted to plan and research how to do this…but, I never got around to doing that.

By June 2010, however, I got an idea. I still wanted to write somehow, though…so why not write about something that I had some knowledge about?

So I jotted down a few ideas, put them aside, finally did a little research about setting up a blog or website, mulled over whether I thought it was a good idea or not, worried about the saying “Those who can’t write, write about themselves”, finally told myself to “Damn it – just do it!” and on the night of 2 August 2010 discovered that you can indeed create a WordPress blog in minutes.

And so, Black and Blue Man was born, and six months later it’s been even more rewarding and satisfying than I could have imagined. Not only have I gotten feedback from all around the world, and not only have I been included on the blogrolls of two widely-read blogs that I read daily, but writing for Black and Blue Man has helped me to enjoy the challenges and pleasures of writing even more.

Until next time, stay well and take care and have a great 2011! 🙂

Posted in Action, Happiness, Hope, Inspiration, Life Challenges, Life is Good, Life Strategies, My Story | Leave a comment