Maintain course!

Posted on 7 October 2010 by blackandblueman

It’s funny indeed how life sometimes follows art, and blogposts.

The day after my previous post, I was walking down my local main-street when, for the first time in ages, I saw a local nemesis coming my way.

I don’t know his name or his background, but I don’t care – because for the past few years, all I have ever seen him do is ask passers-by for money, sometimes stepping right in people’s paths to do so. He is a pest and nothing more.

Several years ago when I first encountered him, before therapy and medication, I would nervously hurry past and reply with a timid “No, sorry” while seething with anger inside.

After I began therapy and medication and my life started to improve, his continuing annoyances made me angrier. As a result, I went through a brief period of responding to him with either a harsh “Piss off!” or “Fuck off!” – to which he’d respond with “You fuck off!” or once with “Yeah, I’ll fight ya!” (although he didn’t).

Venting like that did feel good – but my psychiatrist advised me to stop doing it, though, because it had the potential to make things uglier. Which was fair enough, so I changed to just responding with a curt “No.”

During the past few months, I have encountered him less and less, and I had hoped he had gone for good somewhere else – but every now and then, he would reappear.

And last Sunday, unfortunately, here he was again, about twenty-five metres ahead and coming straight towards me (after he’d unsuccessfully asked two passing young women for money).

Inwardly, I groaned – but, I maintained my course.

He kept coming towards me.

A moment later, I passed a set of traffic lights where people were crossing – and I did turn my head to look and see if there was time for me to cross as well.

But not only was the don’t-walk symbol already flashing, I quickly told myself that suddenly crossing the street would look exactly like what it was – chickenshit.

So I turned forward again, took a breath, and maintained my course.

He kept coming towards me.

I looked straight ahead past him.

My left eyelid started to itch.

I wondered if I should scratch it, which would mean taking off my glasses and possibly leaving me at a short-sighted advantage as he came closer.

I thought fuck it and fuck him, and as we kept walking towards each other I took off my glasses, scratched my eyelid and replaced my glasses.

A moment later, he was finally there, not quite standing in my path and beginning his usual bullshit-pathetic spiel of “”Excuse me, can you please spare some change – “

I walked right on past, kept my head up and my shoulders straight, didn’t make eye-contact at all, and said nothing.

Inside, I was angry and nervous.

But, he said nothing after me (or if he did, I didn’t hear it).

And a few moments later, as he dropped further behind, I relaxed.

Another day, another small victory for myself.

Posted in Confidence, Life Strategies, My Story | Leave a comment

Confidence and the way I walk

Posted on 2 October 2010 by blackandblueman

During the past few years as I’ve learned (and continue to learn) about living with depression, my overall thinking has changed and I’ve come to understand many important concepts.

One of those concepts is confidence, something I had completely misunderstood for most of my life.

Why? Because for a long time, I had mistakenly thought that confidence was the same as arrogance, and especially when it came to masculinity. To me, the stereotype of a confident man was an aggressive loudmouth who thought he was better than anyone and everyone else.

Unfortunately, this mindset was very wrong – and along with other negatives like a fear of almost everything and utter self-loathing, I kept myself in the dark for many years.

A few years ago, however, everything changed. With therapy and medication, I became calm and adopted a positive and pro-active mindset about life and myself.

As a result, I became more relaxed – and finally, I came to understand what confidence actually means.

It’s certainly not arrogance – but it certainly is being comfortable with yourself.

And when you become that, the world is much less threatening and much more pleasant.

One of the best examples of understanding and embracing confidence is how it’s changed the way I walk.

For a long time, I mostly went around with my head down – and if I saw someone or something unpleasant ahead, I’d quickly and obviously look away. As a result, I made myself easy prey for people like aggressive panhandlers who could see my timidity and insult me as I hurried past and tried to pretend that I wasn’t there.

During the past few years, however, I’ve learned to walk better – shoulders straight, always looking ahead instead of down, and (especially when someone or something unpleasant approaches) maintaining my course.

As a result, I get bugged less and insulted less, and I enjoy walking much more.

Until next time, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Confidence, Happiness, Life is Good, Life Strategies, My Story | 1 Comment

“You’re gonna need a bigger boat”

Posted on 2 October 2010 by blackandblueman

Ever since my 6-year-old self was completely wowed by Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope way back in late 1977, I have loved movies and going to the cinema.

For me, one of life’s simplest yet greatest pleasures is seeing a good film with an appreciative audience who applaud, cry, groan and laugh together as one. It’s a terrific buzz.

So far this year, the best time I’ve had at the movies was seeing Jaws at a local independent cinema that was showing this 1975 classic to celebrate the 35th anniversary of its release.

I have seen Jaws several times before, and I own a copy on DVD – but I had never watched it on the big screen. As well, the audiences at that particular cinema are usually very good – they go there to actually watch films, not selfishly get on other viewers’ nerves – so this was too good an opportunity to pass up.

And I’m very glad I went, because my expectations were exceeded.

Firstly, the audience was just as I’d hoped and I joined right in. All throughout Jaws there were laughs, gasps, screams and – especially during Quint’s famous monologue about the USS Indianapolis disaster – stunned silence. And, yes, at the end there was rapturous applause.

Secondly, I hadn’t seen Jaws for some time, so I was interested to see how it held up and what my current self would make of it – and very much like that 6-year-old watching the original and best Star Wars movie for the first time, I was completely wowed.

35 years later, Jaws is still an amazing piece of cinema in so many ways. On the surface (pun unintended), it’s still an exciting, gripping and unnerving story about a giant monster on the loose, directed by a young and ambitious Steven Spielberg who was getting better with each film he made.

As well as those thrills, though, there are the added elements that help make Jaws seem so convincing.

Firstly, not only had I forgotten how good Spielberg can be as an action director, but I also rediscovered one of his other great talents – depicting the chaos of ordinary life. His Amity is an everyday noisy madhouse of people doing too many things at once and frantically talking and yelling over each other – so much so that when Chief Brody, Hooper and Quint first set off in the Orca, it’s a relief to finally get some peace and quiet for a while.

Secondly, like other great movies of its time, Jaws has that wonderfully natural mid-1970s look and feel. There is no glamour, the clothes and hairstyles are dreadful, and by today’s standards almost everyone looks painfully skinny – things really were different back then.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, there’s the cast.

With one exception who deserves a paragraph of his own, most of the folks in Jaws are just like us – ordinary-looking, ordinary-behaving, and easily getting cranky and excited and scared (and sometimes all at once). That’s why the shark-attack scenes with crowds are so chillingly effective; why smaller scenes like Murray Hamilton’s stunned mayor finally giving approval to bring in a shark-hunter are so moving; and why the late great Roy Scheider is fondly remembered as Chief Brody – he was very much a regular guy suddenly thrown into a unbelievable situation, but despite having the most unfortunate phobia in that instance (fear of water!) and coming face-to-face with great horror, he kept on fighting right up until the end.

In the paragraph of his own is Robert Shaw who steals the second half of Jaws as the unforgettable Quint. Like the shark, Quint is larger than life, fearless and terrifying – most of the time, he makes you laugh yet cringe at the same time. And when he’s not stomping about leaving fear and terror in his wake, there are the quietly powerful moments like his USS Indianapolis monologue.

If you haven’t seen Jaws for a while or at all, and especially if you get the chance to see it on the big screen, I highly recommend it. 35 years later, it’s still a classic and will always remain one.

Until next time, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Gratitude, Happiness, Life is Good | Leave a comment

The artist formerly known as Electric Samurai

Posted on 25 September 2010 by blackandblueman

He’s actually Makoto the Guitar Samurai, and here he is in action on George Street in Sydney.

No, I didn’t take the above photo – it’s from his Facebook profile.

\m/ 🙂

Posted in Gratitude, Life is Good | 3 Comments

The negatives of positive thinking – Barbara Ehrenreich’s ‘Smile Or Die’

Posted on 24 September 2010 by blackandblueman

A few weeks ago, I read Barbara Ehrenreich’s Smile Or Die: How Positive Thinking Fooled America and the World (published in the US as Bright-sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America).

In Smile Or Die, Ehrenriech takes a critical look at positive thinking and how she feels it has distorted and even harmed many aspects of modern life. Some of it is personal, like Ehrenriech’s experiences during her cancer treatment that originally inspired her to write the book, but most of it looks at the bigger picture – for example, did the Global Financial Crisis stem in part from some looking too much at the bright side of life and completely ignoring the dark side?

Smile Or Die was very compelling and I tore through it quickly – not only was the subject matter very interesting, but Ehrenreich’s style was highly readable.

Yet, at the same time I was enjoying Smile Or Die, it was also making me feel uneasy. Why?

Since mid-2007 when I began therapy, my patterns of thinking have changed enormously. Before then, I used to think negatively about most things in life – and as a result, life sucked most of the time.

Medication has also been a big help because it has smoothed off the rough physical edges of depression, but learning how to think better has been very profound because it has made my life so much better.

As well during the past few years, I have developed a growing interest in self-help. This has led to some interesting listening, reading and viewing within the field (and far without), and as a result I have gained inspiration in varying degrees from such diverse figures as Michael Domeyko Rowland, Anton Szandor LaVey and Larry Winget.

No, I don’t walk around nowadays with a huge grin on my face all of the time – but I am certainly not walking around with my head up my arse like I used to most of the time.

But the more I read of Smile Or Die, the more I found myself becoming concerned.

Was Ehrenreich criticising only the excesses of positive thinking – or was she being critical overall? While some examples that Ehrenreich presented were very off-putting, like the cloying optimism she endured during her cancer treatment, I also felt at times that she was being too harsh on the entire concept of positive thinking.

Maybe I was over-reacting – but, positive thinking had certainly worked for me during the past few years. Instead of being the whinging and whining self-defeatist that I had been in the past, I was now facing the world with a much better outlook – I certainly didn’t want to go back to what I used to be!

Finally, I got to Ehrenreich’s postscript in Smile Or Die – and I relaxed.

Yes, positive thinking has a place, Ehrenreich says here – but so does negative thinking. Considering both the best and worst that could happen works well together because it makes for better planning – hope for the best but consider (not fear) the worst, and if the shit does hit the fan you’ll be prepared to avoid getting splattered.

Maybe I did over-react, after all – but Smile Or Die got me thinking, and like many other books I’ve enjoyed that’s why it’s stayed in my mind ever since.

Until next time, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Life Strategies, My Story, Reading | Leave a comment

Return of the Electric Samurai

Posted on 18 September 2010 by blackandblueman

Friday night, 17 August 2010, shortly before 10pm.

For the first time in weeks, I had Friday dinner at Pizza Hut on George Street here in Sydney. It was good to revisit one of my favourite haunts and spend almost five hours there, dining and reading and writing and unwinding for the weekend ahead.

When I finally left Pizza Hut and headed northwards up George towards home, the southbound Friday-night walkers were coming at full throttle, and like the Millennium Falcon zigzagging through an asteroid field I weaved back and forth to escape oncoming collision – especially from a very determined woman pushing a baby-stroller at ramming speed and making sure that everyone got out of her way.

Not long after that close call, I was passing McDonald’s when I suddenly heard a loud, familiar and very welcome sound almost directly opposite from across George Street.

The Electric Samurai was back!

It was good to see and hear him again…

…and then I had an idea.

First, I looked around for somewhere I could quickly duck into. Alas, McDonald’s was full and Star Bar a few doors up was even worse – but across George Street, a few doors up from the electric samurai, the almost-empty Hungry Jack’s beckoned.

Second, I crossed over George to Hungry Jack’s, grabbed a seat and emptied all of the silver coins out of my wallet.

Third, I took out my laptop PC, fired it up, wrote down in my paper notebook the URL for the Electric Samurai’s first appearance here at Black and Blue Man, and added some words of thanks.

Fourth, I shut down the laptop and returned it to my backpack, tore out the page I’d just written on in my notebook, added it to my silver change, gathered up all of my other gear and rushed back outside – because a few minutes ago I could no longer hear the Electric Samurai, and I feared that he’d gone.

Finally, to my great relief I saw that he was still there, now playing quietly, so I headed straight down to him, dumped my coins and note at his feet, and once again gave him the Sign of the Horns.

To which he not only responded with “ALL RIGHT!” like last time, but he also raised one hand from his guitar and returned my Horns.

It was a great way to see in a weekend – so once again, Electric Samurai, thank you very much and keep on rocking 🙂

Posted in Confidence, Gratitude, Happiness | 1 Comment

While I was in Melbourne – the Yarra incident

Posted on 10 September 2010 by blackandblueman

What follows took place the day after my last entry.

It is a long description of a serious incident that happened over the course of roughly half an hour. I have divided it into Parts One and Two because it happened in two distinct stages.

I have featured this incident here for several reasons, which I will get to after Part Two.

Part One
It was not long after 5pm. AussieCon4 had just finished and my friend had just gotten on a tram to return to our headquarters at The Victoria Hotel. I had decided to walk back to the Vic along the Yarra Promenade on the south bank of the Yarra River.

I had just walked past the Crown Casino and Entertainment Complex when up ahead, a young man coming towards me suddenly collapsed.

I rushed up to help him as he struggled to get back up.

At first, I wanted to move him to a nearby bench to sit down, but he insisted that instead I hold him down on the ground and even sit on him until the fit he was having passed.

Because I’m very heavy, I didn’t want to sit on him for fear of hurting him, but as he had requested I pinned him down on his stomach and, as I knelt close to him, I held him down as firmly as I could.

He was still conscious and calmly asking me to hold him down and sit on him, while his body shuddered violently.

Soon, a passer-by asked if we needed any help, and I admitted to him that I wasn’t sure what I was doing. Fortunately, he came over to help hold down the young man.

Shortly after that, a second man joined us. He told us that he had a brother with a similar problem, and he asked the young man if he wanted an ambulance or the police to be called. The young man declined.

Not long after that, three huge bouncers from the Crown Casino ran up. We quickly reassured them that nothing wrong was happening – although initially, it could have looked like that the three of us were assaulting the young man.

Shortly after, the young man wanted to get up. He thanked and hugged us for helping him, declined further offers to call for assistance, and left us, heading east.

The bouncers recorded my details, and I thanked them and the second man for their help (during this time the first man had left). We all went our separate ways.

I felt a little shaken, but relieved that the incident had been resolved painlessly enough.

I resumed walking east, and looked forward to returning to the Vic, having a shower and sitting down.

Part Two
About five minutes later, I crossed Queensbridge Street.

As the Sandridge Bridge came up on my left, I debated whether to use it or the Southbank Footbridge further along to cross over to the north bank of the Yarra.

I decided to use the Southbank Footbridge, which I had used for all of my previous trips to and from AussieCon4, and continued on.

A moment later, I saw the young man again, between me and the Southbank Footbridge. He had fallen down again and was struggling to get back up, while another man nearby was offering assistance.

My first instinct was to ignore what I had seen ahead, turn around and head back to the Sandridge Bridge, because part of me didn’t want to have to deal with this again.

But another part of me realised that the young man needed help, and because I was familiar with him I could reassure anyone else who got involved.

I hurried to the young man, who recognised me, and I also told the other man that I was here to help.

This time, the young man got to his feet and asked if I could help take him to the police centre at Flinders Street Station, which was not far away from the Southbank Footbridge across the Yarra.

I said I would help, and as I held him firmly on the left side of his body and began to help him walk along the other man took hold of his right side.

The three of us crossed the Southbank Footbridge and began heading along the north bank of the Yarra towards Flinders Street Station. All this time, the young man remained calm as he had before, despite his body powerfully resisting all three of us, and I reassured him and passers-by that everything would be fine.

As we got closer to Flinders Street Station, however, the young man became increasingly nervous – and as we reached a flight of steps that would take us up to the station, he stopped and said that he didn’t want to go up there.

The other man and I tried to calm him down and advise him to continue, but the young man broke free of our grasp and quickly ran off in the opposite direction.

The other man and I continued up into Flinders Street Station – and as we got there, another man who must have seen us was coming out with three policemen, and he pointed to us.

We explained what had happened to the policemen. They took my details and thanked us for our help, and we all went our separate ways.

About five minutes later at 5:42pm, I was back in my room at the Vic.

I had a shower, a sit-down and a brief cry. Soon, I felt better.

Lessons learned
Why have I included the above account here at Black and Blue Man? There are several reasons.

First, although the incident left me shaken at the time and especially afterwards, I was greatly relieved that throughout I had acted calmly and didn’t panic – instead of adding to the problem, I helped to provide a solution.

Second, and this especially reinforces the first reason, it demonstrates why my St John Ambulance Australia first-aid training has been invaluable. Although I have done this training for work several times since the late 1990s, previously I had never had to use it – but when I first went to help the young man collapse for the first time, some very important facets of my training kicked in:

  • stay calm
  • stay focused
  • act – doing something is better than doing nothing
  • common sense will take over (and it did)
  • communicate with the patient – listen to what they have to say, and keep talking to them reassuringly

Third, when the first passer-by asked if I wanted help, I was sensible enough to admit that I needed it. During the past few years from what I’ve learnt via reading and therapy, it’s important not to be afraid to ask for help.

Fourth, despite my immediate reaction when I saw the young man the second time, I ultimately convinced myself not to turn away but help him again. Although I was scared, again it was better to do something than to leave him to suffer.

Posted in Confidence, Life Strategies, My Story, Resilience | 3 Comments

Live from Melbourne – Sabbath, wonderful Sabbath

Posted on 5 September 2010 by blackandblueman

No, I haven’t been to a Black Sabbath concert here (although Paranoid will always be one of my all-time favourite heavy-metal albums).

Instead, I have once again followed the advice given in the article ‘A New (Old) Way to Create Calm in Your World’ over at the great site Dumb Little Man – once a week, observe a Sabbath or day of rest in which you do as little as possible.

I first read that article several months ago. It fired my imagination, so I put the Sabbath into practice – and I was amazed by the results.

So, usually for each Saturday but sometimes for a Sunday (like today), I make sure that I have nothing important planned – and when the big day arrives, I do as little as possible, like the following:

  • sleep in
  • surf the net
  • play video games
  • eat simply throughout the day
  • take an afternoon nap
  • go out for dinner
  • maybe go to the cinema after dinner, or come home and watch DVDs
  • most importantly of all, don’t think about the rest of my life

By bedtime that night, I feel very calm and relaxed – so much so that I look forward to getting stuck into something from the next day, because Sabbath has allowed me to wind down and recharge.

As well, if the preceding week has been especially grueling – without or especially with black dogs, spinach or clouds, knowing that a day of rest is coming helps me stay calm and focus on the Now.

Although I’m currently on holiday here in Melbourne and enjoying AussieCon4, by last night the routine of the last few days had become a bit of a grind – getting up to an alarm, getting ready, heading off, spending a day at AussieCon4 and heading back. In fact, it had become a little like being back at work.

So, last night as my friend and I reviewed AussieCon4’s Sunday program, I thought about taking a day off. There were a few interesting panels and a documentary on today – but eventually, I decided that a day of rest was more important.

And as Sunday night approaches, I’m glad that I stayed here at the hotel and did very little indeed – I now feel great and also very keen to return to AussieCon4 tomorrow.

If you don’t already have a day of rest in your week, I strongly recommend reading the article I linked to above and giving the Sabbath a try – it has certainly changed my life for the better.

Until next time, stay well and take care 🙂

STOP PRESS
Just then, I discovered another reason why I enjoy staying here at The Victoria Hotel.

I was in the bathroom and idly glancing at the little sign that suggests how you can ‘Join us in conserving water and energy for the future’ – and then I discovered a very amusing typo:

“Also hang up the towels you wish to re-use and when you would like them changed, please leave them on the batroom floor.”

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na! 🙂

Posted in Happiness, Life is Good, Life Strategies, My Story, Resources | Leave a comment

Live from Melbourne – AussieCon4 and the Vic mezz wonderland

Posted on 2 September 2010 by blackandblueman

I’m currently staying in Melbourne, Victoria, Australia where a friend and I are attending AussieCon4, the 68th World Science Fiction Convention.

So far, things are going very well for several reasons.

First, I love Melbourne. It’s an interesting city that I’ve barely scratched the surface of, so any excuse to come here is more than welcome.

Second, I enjoy hotel-living. For me, it’s a life-style that is uncluttered and relaxing, yet also challenging and rewarding. While living in a hotel makes several aspects of life more manageable, like not having so much housework to worry about, it does require good organisation in other areas, like ensuring that you get your limited laundry done at the right times (especially during work-related travel). Fortunately, I enjoy efficiency and learning new skills, so I don’t find the challenges of hotel-living to be a chore.

Third, I’ve spent my first day at AussieCon4, and I liked it a lot. Although I’ve been to a few small conventions before, this is my first big science-fiction convention – an experience before mid-2007 that I thought I’d never have because, although I’d read about cons for many years and found them very interesting, the idea of actually attending one was uncomfortable for several reasons. Fortunately, though, I’ve gotten over those hang-ups and I’m very glad that I have.

Fourth, going with a friend is rewarding because many great experiences are even better when shared, and at night we can talk about what we heard, saw and thought during the day. As well, unexpectedly bumping into another friend whom I last saw over a year ago was a delight.

Finally, leading up to this trip I was looking forward to a specific experience that I hoped would come true, and it has – several times.

This is my third stay at the cozy Victoria Hotel. For me, one of the several attractions of the Vic is its mezzanine level, which is a great place to relax and watch life go by. During my previous stays here, I spent all of my mezz time meeting and talking with others – but leading up to this visit, I also fantasized about late-night solo sessions relaxing with my laptop PC and a bag of drinks and snack-foods.

And for the last three nights, those late-night solo sessions have gone exactly to plan. Not only have they been enjoyable as relaxing now-time, they’ve also good codas to the productive and rewarding days that I’ve enjoyed so far.

I plan to file at least one more post from here before returning home to Sydney next week. Until then, stay well and take care 🙂

Posted in Happiness, Life is Good, Life Strategies, My Story | Leave a comment

Copiapó

Posted on 26 August 2010 by blackandblueman

Like many other people around the world, I’ve become engrossed by the current plight of the 33 surviving miners at the Copiapó mining disaster in Chile.

It’s stunning to think that not only have they been down there for 17-18 days already, but that they may have to remain until Christmas.

I can’t imagine what those men have gone through, are currently going through, and have yet to go through.

As well, there’s the agony and anguish that their family and friends are now living with.

But there are also examples of hope and the human spirit that make us smile.

May the 33 miners endure until the day when they can return home.

Posted in Hope, Resilience | Leave a comment